


Definitely Not A Cliché High School Love Story

by orphan_account



Category: Jonnor - Fandom, The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst and Humor, Boys Kissing, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-11
Updated: 2015-08-17
Packaged: 2018-03-30 01:58:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 25,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3918604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Connor Stevens enjoys his junior year at Anchor Beach when one day, he gets paired up with the weird hipster kid, Jude Adams Foster, on a biology project. They piss each other off but they feel drawn to one another, so they slowly start developing a relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

„You coming to Stacy’s party this Friday? Her parents are out of town for the entire weekend and I heard it’s gonna be off the chains, bro!” Jordan exclaimed. „And you know what else I heard?” the boy asked with a huge grin on his face.  
Connor shrugged. „Daria is totally going. I know you like her,” Jordan said, wiggling his eyebrows.  
Connor let out a small sigh. „No, Jordan, you said I like her. You just wanna hook up with Meaghan and Daria happens to be her best friend who hangs around her every minute of the day and you want me to distract her so you can seal the deal with Meaghan.”  
Jordan ran his fingers through his thick black hair. „Dude, c’mon, help a bro out!” he threw his hands in the air.  
„But I really don’t want to go out with Daria,” Connor groaned. He couldn’t bear the thought of listening to that girl babbling about whatever the hell she was interested in. Clothes, make up, the latest gossip. Whatever it was, Connor couldn’t give a shit.  
„She’s hot. She’s a cheerleader. What is wrong with you?” Jordan looked genuinely confused. He couldn’t imagine why his best bud wouldn’t want to spend a drunken night with her.  
„Have you ever thought about that maybe when I’m looking for a partner, looks is not the only thing I’m concerned about?” Connor sounded frustrated at this point.  
Jordan bursted out laughing. „Oh my god, dude, you sound so gay. I ain’t asking you to marry her, I’m only asking that you distract her a little bit. I don’t care how you do it, just do it for your brother here. And a little bit of this...” – he slightly elevated from the bench, did a few hip thrusts then sat back down – „never hurt nobody,” he continued with a smirk on his face.  
Connor rolled his eyes. At that moment, he felt so embarrassed about to call Jordan his best friend. The guy wasn’t so bad if you actually took the time to get to know him but that didn’t mean he wasn’t a complete idiot. Hell, he really was. He was lucky he was good-looking, otherwise everyone would’ve hated his guts. Jordan was tall, though he wasn’t as tall as Connor, who happened to be 6’1”. He was of Greek origin; he had olive skin, big dark chocolatey brown eyes and wavy black hair. His body was toned, his face was symmetrical, and he had that mischievous smile that made girls go crazy. They called him a „Greek God”, and Connor couldn’t really argue with that. His friend was beautiful.  
„Okay. I’ll do it,” Connor replied.  
„Yes, that’s what I’m talking about, baby!” Jordan shouted and smashed his fist down on the table.  
„I’m not finished. I’ll do it. On one condition,” he continued. „We’re switching lab partners in bio.”  
Jordan didn’t even hesitate for a second. „Done. I don’t care, nerd’s a nerd right? Oh shit, I forgot my textbook in my locker. Meet ya in class, bitch,” and he stormed off.  
Connor was relieved. Although Jordan and he were tight, they weren’t lab partners. Both of them had chosen a smart guy so they’d get good grades without doing any or very little actual work. Well, that was Jordan’s reasoning anyway. Connor himself wasn’t that bad of a student but he couldn’t lie, it was pretty damn comfortable that way. But he had a small problem with his partner this year; he couldn’t stand the poor bastard. He’d been talking gibberish non-stop – it sounded gibberish to him anyway – and if Connor had to spend another 50 minutes with that dude, he would’ve done something he would’ve regretted. He figured Jordan wouldn’t care about all that stupid talking until the kid did all the work for him.  
The ringing bell interrupted Connor’s chain of thought.  
He stood up from the bench, threw what was left of his sad lunch in the trash and slowly made his way to class.  
As he entered the small classroom, he immediately noticed that Jordan was sitting next to his old lab partner. Connor glanced at the table where his friend used to sit and acknowledged that both chairs were empty but he paced through the room and sat down anyway.  
Their teacher, Mr. O’Reilly, walked in shortly after that. „Good afternoon, class!” he greeted the students with a thick Irish accent. He started scanning the room as he was speaking. „Okay, today’s project is going to be a longer one...” his gaze lingered on Connor for a brief moment, then moved along.  
Connor suddenly got nervous. He didn’t have a partner for the project. He didn’t mind working alone but it seemed like Mr. O’Reilly had other things planned.  
„Mr. Stevens, Mr. Adams Foster,” he called out. „Both of your partners have called in sick today so you’ll be working together on this. Mr. Adams Foster, please come forward and take the seat next to Mr. Stevens,” he made a hand gesture.  
Connor heard a quiet grunt coming from behind him. He was desperately trying to remember which kid was the vice principal’s son but he just couldn’t pair a face with the name.  
The next thing he knew was that someone had dropped their textbooks on the desk and hopped onto the chair on his left.  
Connor turned his head and almost let out a curse word. It was that guy.  
He was tall, skinny and pale and his sense of style was...peculiar. He was wearing a pair of grey shoes that seemed like oxfords to Connor (although he wasn’t sure), maroon skinny jeans, the kind that was so tight they looked like leggings. Connor was convinced that the only method of removing them was simply cutting them off with scissors. He also had a grey V-neck sweater on, with a shirt underneath that matched his pants. His glasses, that were slightly too big for his face, had a thick black rim. His dark brown hair was cut short - but not shaved - on the sides, kept long and messy on the top. Connor thought it was messy on purpose, it was probably styled that way.  
So that was Adams Foster. The frickin’ hipster kid.  
„Why are you staring at me?” he heard a bark.  
Connor hadn’t realized he was glaring until then. His face started burning from the embarrassement so he quickly turned away and fixated his eyes on the desk. He cleared his throat. „Sorry, I wasn’t...staring.”  
„You obviously were but whatever. Thanks to Taylor and her stupid sinus infection, I’m stuck with an airhead.”  
Connor frowned, then tilted his head to face the boy. „Excuse me?” his voice sounded alarming.


	2. Chapter 2

„Well, you’re not exactly the smartest guy, are you?” apparently he didn’t catch on the warning in Connor’s voice.

Connor’s jaw dropped. This guy was for real? He was skinny as a twig and he was coming at him? Now who was the dumb one?

„No, I’m not the smartest guy but I’m clever enough to know not to mess with someone who’s three times my size,” he replied sharply.

The boy snorted. He didn’t seem to be fazed by Connor’s big muscles.

„Are you like…threatening me? You’re adorable,” he scoffed.

Connor gaped at the boy next to him. He clenched his fists and fought the urge to take a swing at him right then and there. Who the hell did he think he was?! Connor opened his mouth to say something but he was cut off by Mr. O’Reilly. „I hope I’m not interrupting anything important but you two should start working. The assignment is on the board. Get to it. Now,” and he walked away.

„You heard the boss, big guy,” the skinny boy whispered.

Connor took a deep breath and unclenched his fists so he could write down what was on the board. He had no idea how he was going to keep his cool for the rest of the class because this guy was unbearable. What had he ever done to him? Nothing Connor could think of. He didn’t even know him, he wasn’t even sure of his first name. He believed it was something that started with a ’J’ but again, he wasn’t certain.

Connor had just finished copying the writing off the board when he heard his teacher’s voice again. „If everyone’s done, please turn to page 156 and read the whole 12th chapter on protozoan. At the end of the class, you can discuss the details of your project with your partners. Two weeks from today, you’ll have to present a work sheet and a 3D model of a paramecium. Have fun, students!” Mr. O’Reilly exclaimed, he genuinely seemed excited about this. But Connor wasn’t, not one bit. All he could think about that he had to work with this asshole for 2 weeks.

He ran his fingers through his sand colored hair in frustration. He never should’ve switched partners, he would pick the rambling idiot over this jerk any day.

On the bright side, he didn’t have to interact with him in any shape or form for the next 35 minutes. He flipped through the book until he found the page he was looking for and started reading.

He didn’t acknowledge his partner’s existence until he heard the bell.

„So, which part you wanna do?” the boy asked him in a low voice.

„I’ll do the hay thing,” he replied immediately, he didn’t want to spend more time with the guy than it was neccessary.

The boy nodded. „Well, I’m fairly certain that you’d love to spend more time in my lovely company so I think we should get together this week to make notes or something. Is Friday good?”

„Nah, sorry, won’t work for me. I have a thing,” he didn’t want to let him know that Stacy was having a party cause he feared the he might show up. Although he didn’t seem like the party animal type, Connor wasn’t taking any chances. „What about Saturday?” he asked.

His partner nodded again. „’Kay. My house is gonna be empty for the afternoon so we could meet there. You know the address?”

„I don’t even know your first name,” Connor blurted out.

The dark haired boy raised one of his eyebrows then shook his head. The corner of his lips curled into a soft smile.

„It’s Jude,” he replied. There was something about the way he said his name that made Connor feel really strange. It was like his attitude disappeared when he said his own name.

Jude reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone.

„Put your number in there and I’ll text you the address.” When Connor took the phone out of Jude’s hand, their fingers touched for a second and that made him feel even weirder.

He typed his name and number into the small device with record speed, then gave it back to his owner making sure that there was zero physical contact between the two of them.

Connor mumbled a ’see ya’ without looking at the tall boy, then got out of the classroom as fast as he could.


	3. Chapter 3

Jordan had already been waiting for him by his locker. He was smirking which was unusual, Connor thought, because his friend was always drained after biology. Or any science class, for that matter.

„What are you grinning about?” he asked suspiciously.

„You and I, my friend, are ditching our last period,” he rubbed his hands together like some evil mastermind.

Connor frowned in confusion. „And why exactly are we doing that?”

„Oh, only because we have an appointment to get fake IDs?? Chris found this dude and the word is that he makes the best ones in town,” his voice was filled with excitement.

Connor scratched the back of his neck. „Sorry, man, I can’t. I’m broke.”

Jordan’s smile faded. „What do you mean you’re broke? Thought you’ve been saving up the money you’ve made from pool cleaning this summer. For like emergency or some shit.”

„Yeah, Jordy, for emergency. Getting a fake ID doesn’t qualify as ’emergency’.”

Jordan looked puzzled. „Then what’s ’emergency’ to you?” he did little quote marks with his fingers in the air.

Connor closed his eyes for a moment and let out a breath. He wasn’t going to start explaining things to his best friend at that moment. He was still mad about the situation with his new lab partner and it was sure as hell that he wasn’t going to deal with this now.

„Look, Jordan, I’ve had a really bad day. I’m not getting a fake ID today. But I don’t wanna stay here either, so can you just drop me off at home before your appointment?”

Jordan’s shoulders slumped, he was disappointed. But if Connor wasn’t feeling up to it, he wasn’t going to bother. His friend could be very stubborn.

He playfully punched Connor in the shoulder. „You’re lame but whatever.”

Connor chuckled softly, he appreciated that Jordan didn’t push things. He wasn’t a pusher and Connor liked that about him.

They’d waited until the other kids went to class and the corridor cleared up, and silently started making their way to Jordan’s car.

„Why did you a have a bad day anyway? You seemed pretty fine to me before bio,” Jordan initiated the conversation.

Connor felt his anger rise. „It’s a long story,” he was busy examining the ground. He knew he had to give something to Jordan. „Short version: my lab partner is a dick,” he continued.

„Oh right, you got paired up with the vice principal’s son!” he exclaimed, clapping his hands together. „Is he really that bad? I mean, I’ve heard stories, but…”

Connor’s head shot up. „You have?” he asked with a perplexed expression. Why did Jordan know stuff about Jude? And why didn’t he? And why on Earth was he interested in that jackass?

„The only thing I know is that he’s a weirdo. He’s got some kind of damage. But you can tell that by just taking a look at his clothes.”

Connor snorted. „Yeah, he kinda looks like a Tumblr post, doesn’t he?”

„What?” Jordan stared at him in confusion.

Connor felt his face heat up. „Uhh, nothing, never mind,” he said quickly. „The point is that he’s an asshole.”

They arrived at the car. „If you say so,” Jordan replied as he opened the door. Connor climbed into the passenger’s seat of his friend’s precious vehicle and dropped his backpack to his feet. Jordan was driving a red 2013 Chevrolet Camaro that his parents got him for his 16th birthday last year. He’d never worked a day in his life but he always acted like he bought the car with his own money.

Jordan hopped onto the driver’s seat, started the engine and turned on the radio. ’Call Me Maybe’ started blasting from the speakers. Connor rolled his eyes as he heard the song but Jordan was visibly enjoying it because he turned the volume up.

„Let’s hope he won’t make a move on ya,” he picked up the conversation where they left off.

Connor got confused for the 100th time that day. “Wait, are you saying he’s…?” he asked in a thin voice.

„Yeah, bro, he’s queer.” Jordan said casually. „You didn’t know?”

Connor felt his throat closing up, so he just shook his head in response.

„He had like a thing with a kid waaay back in the day. In 8th grade, I think. The guy moved away a long time ago but everyone found out about it anyway. I’m surprised you didn’t know.”

„I couldn’t even remember his name until he told me today,” Connor mumbled under his breath.

Jordan laughed. „It’s like you’re living under a rock, dude.”

„I’m starting to realize.” Connor replied but his mind was somewhere else. Somewhere far away.

He was back in 8th grade. That was the year when his parents separated. He remembered his parents sitting him down in the living room and telling him the news. He remembered his mother packing her bags on the next day. He remembered her walking out the door, walking out of his life. She moved to another state with her new boyfriend and never looked back. She called him a few times a week but she’d only show up on Christmas and his birthday.

He remembered 8th grade as the worst year he’d ever experienced. He’d been failing in school, he became enstranged from all of his friends except for Jordan and he got stuck with his dad. He cried himself to sleep on several nights, he just couldn’t understand why the person who was supposed to love him unconditionally wouldn’t want him. He still couldn’t wrap his head around it. He didn’t remember anything else from that time. It was all a blur, to be frank.

„Duuude, Earth to Connor. DUDE!” Jordan’s shout made Connor jump.

„What the fuck is wrong with you?!” his friend scared the shit out of Connor, his heart was pounding like crazy.

„The fuck is wrong with you? We’re at your place. I’d been calling your name for the last minute but no reaction. What were you thinking about?” he wasn’t mad but Connor could clearly hear the annoyance in his voice. He was about to apologize when Jordan continued.

„Were you thinking about a chick?” he flashed his mischievous smile at Connor. His eyes wandered down at Connor’s pants. Connor followed his gaze and felt his face heat up.

„Oh my god, you’re such a moron,” he punched Jordan’s shoulder. The boy winced at the pain.

„Whatever. I know what I know,” he was smiling again.

Connor let out a deep sigh. „You don’t know shit, Jordy-poo,” he mocked. He got out of the car. „Later, asshat.”

„Later, Condora the Explorer,” Jordan replied and drove away.


	4. Chapter 4

„What did I tell you? This shit is crayyyzy!” Jordan shouted so Connor could hear him through the loud music.

Connor nodded as he was taking it all in. The two-storey house looked heavily crowded, there were people everywhere. In the living room, in the kitchen, in the backyard. The living room was mostly filled with sophomores and a couple of freshmen. Two boys were playing beer pong while the others cheered around them. The kitchen counter was full of alchohol bottles and red plastic cups, and of course, there was a beer keg. In the backyard, some people were sitting on the grass with their beers and coolers, others were taking advantage of the pool. Connor looked up at the stairs; it seemed like everybody thought it was the best place to make out with your boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever. To Connor’s surprise, no one was dancing. He figured it was probably because they were’t drunk enough yet.  
„Let’s grab a beer, shall we,” Jordan grabbed Connor’s shirt and pulled him towards the kitchen. They took a cup and poured themselves from the keg. They’d been standing by the dining table, just sipping their beers and scanning the crowd when Jordan bursted out.

„Bro, there’s Meaghan and Daria! Come, let’s say hi to them!”

Connor felt a push on his back and started making his way to the living room with Jordan closely following him.

Meaghan and Daria had been just surveying the house when the boys walked up to them.

„Hello, ladies,” Jordan greeted the girls with a wide grin. „What are you up to on this fine Friday night?” he was on his best behavior.

The girls smiled. „Not much,” Meaghan replied. „What about you two?”

„This and that, you know. I’ve heard there was this insane party going on, wanna check it out with me?” he asked innocently. This caused them to giggle.

„Sure,” Meaghan was still giggling. „Do you think this dress is suitable?” she asked in a thin voice, fluttering her eyelashes. Connor rolled his eyes at her attempt for fishing for compliments. Unfortunately, Daria noticed and raised one of her eyebrows that was plucked to perfection. Connor quickly looked away in embarrassement.

„That is a very pretty dress. That dress is perfect,” Jordan said. Meaghan was wearing a white maxi dress with red roses printed on it. She wasn’t wearing much makeup but she had deep red lipstick on. Her blonde hair was tied up in a loose ponytail.

Meaghan blushed. „Maybe you can take me to this party and show me around?” she bit her lower lip and her eyes widened.

„I’d love to!” Jordan exclaimed. Connor would’ve sworn his best friend was blushing as well. Maybe he really did like this girl.

„Cool,” Meaghan flashed a shy smile at the boy standing in front of her. „Daria, you don’t mind? Maybe you could hang with Connor? He could get you a drink.”

Connor glanced at Jordan who was furiously nodding. Connor took a deep breath. He promised Jordan after all.

„Yeah, sure,” Connor said with fake enthusiasm. „Do you want to? Have a drink with me?” he addressed the question to Daria.

„I guess,” the brunette shrugged.

„Awesome!” Jordan’s eyes were glowing.

He stood there awkwardly for half a minute with his hands in the pocket of his black ripped jeans, then gestured Meaghan to go with him. As they were walking out of the living room and up the stairs, Jordan turned his head back at his friend, winked, then mouthed a ’thanks, bro’.

Connor smiled softly. He could see that Jordan was into this girl so he was rooting for him. The only problem was that he didn’t know what to do about the Daria situation. He didn’t want to lead her on and get her hopes up then throw her aside but it was sure as shit he wasn’t going to hook up with her.

He also didn’t want to stand there like an idiot so he initiated small talk.

„So, what’s up with you? We haven’t talked in a while.”

„We can skip this,” Daria’s response surprised Connor, what did she mean by that?

„Sorry? Skip what?” he asked in confusion.

„The small talk. The drinking. It would end up the same way. So let’s just go upstairs and take off our clothes now, shall we?” she wasn’t joking.

Connor just stood, completely baffled. He had no clue what to say. He probably should’ve turned her down politely but he wasn’t that brave.

„Let’s just…not skip the drinking part, okay? I’m gonna get you a beer and refill this,” he pointed at the cup in his hand, then stormed off before Daria could’ve opened her mouth.

He wanted to run away from the girl as fast as he could, so he didn’t pay attention when he tripped on something and almost fell over. He turned around to see that it wasn’t a something but a someone. He tripped on Jude.

„Watch out, idiot,” the slender boy groaned as he started massaging one of his legs. He was sitting on the bottom of the stairs.

His night couldn’t get any better, Connor thought.

„What are you doing here?” he blurted out.

Jude raised his left eyebrow. „I’m sitting,” the sarcasm was evident in his voice. He straightened his sweater. He had his grey oxfords and grey skinny jeans on with a multi-colored striped sweater. He was also wearing a grey beanie and a long necklace with a black cross. It was quite the fashion statement, Connor suddenly felt like he was underdressed in his simple blue jeans and black and yellow flannel shirt. „But if you’re asking what I’m doing at this party, then the answer is that I’m enjoying my teenage years, living life to the fullest,” he continued.

Connor felt the anger flooding his veins. Jude annoyed him to no end.

„Next time, remind me not to ask you anything,” he scoffed, then turned around and paced to the kitchen.

He walked up to the counter and poured himself one drink after the other. He didn’t care what he was drinking as long as it was alcohol. After a while, he didn’t bother with the cups, he started chugging from the bottles.

He woke up with a pounding headache. The whole night was a blur. He was about to attempt to open his eyes when he felt something move underneath him. His eyes flew open.

With half of his body, he was lying on top of Jude.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The night of the party from Jude’s POV

„Okay, let’s get out of here now,” Jude said as he was scanning the place. The house was filled with people who were smoking and drinking and dancing and groping each other, and Jude was grossed out, to be honest. But he didn’t find these nearly as gross as the music coming from the speakers. It was frickin’ dubstep. At that moment he wished he would’ve brought earplugs.

„Are you kidding? This is awesome!” Aaron said excitedly.

„Yeah, getting trashed and sexually assaulted really is awesome. Not to mention going deaf, that is just the awesomest.”

„Ah-ah, nope, you don’t get to be sassy with me, Jude,” the boy replied with mild annoyance in his voice. Aaron wasn’t having this, not tonight. Although he considered Jude one of his best friends, that didn’t mean he had to put up with his bullshit attitude. And besides, he was probably the only person alive that called him out on it. Every now and then, Jude was in much need of a reality check.

Jude let out a sigh. It was hard not to act like an asshole when that was the last place he wanted to be on a Friday night. He would’ve rather curled up in bed eating pizza and watching Netflix until dawn. He knew he promised Aaron to drive him to this hellhole and back but that didn’t mean he had to shut up about how much he despised every second of it. In his opinion, at least.

„Go ahead, get drunk, have fun. I’ll just hang in here somewhere till you wanna go home.”

„You’ll survive, buddy. See ya later,” Aaron patted Jude’s back and basically ran to the kitchen for shots.

Jude had wandered around for a little bit before he decided to sit on the stairs and observe. He wasn’t going to lie, it was kind of entertaining to watch the other kids embarrass themselves. He was busy watching a guy doing a vodka shot then snorting salt and dropping lime juice in his eyes when someone tripped on him and almost fell on their face. He winced at the pain that suddenly rose in his right leg.

„Watch out, idiot,” he spat, then he looked up to see which moron was it. It was his dumbass new lab partner. Great, he thought.

„What are you doing here?” Connor asked disconcertedly.

He raised an eyebrow. He could certainly get sassy with him. „I’m sitting,” he paused for a second, then continued. „But if you’re asking what I’m doing at this party, then the answer is that I’m enjoying my teenage years, living life to the fullest.”

He could tell Connor wasn’t having any of it. „Next time, remind me not to ask you anything,” and he stormed off.

Jude smiled to himself. He liked pissing people off, but for some inexplicable reason he loved making Connor angry. He thought it was kinda cute when his face went red and his head was about to explode. But he was attractive anyway. He was one of the most popular guys at Anchor Beach, after all, so he had to look cute. He was the star of the baseball team with a bright future ahead of him. Jude would’ve made fun of him for being a braindead jock, but he had to admit that the guy was really amazing at what he did. Jude wasn’t actually annoyed that much that he had to work with him on the biology project. He might’ve been dumb but hey, at least he was nice to look at.

After 40 minutes or so, he got bored sitting by himself so he decided to take a look around. The music still sucked and the kids just got more drunk and touchy-feely.

He decided to check out the pool and the backyard. A few people were in the pool making out but most of the kids were scattered around in the grass, passed out by whatever they’ve drunk or smoked. He moped around a little, and he was about to head back inside when from the corner of his eyes, he saw somebody stumbling into a bush. Jude looked around but no one seemed to notice it so he let out a deep sigh and made his way towards the bushes.

He approached the person carefully because he didn’t know what was in their system. As he was getting closer, he could see the outlines of a bigger person. He leaned forward, all he could make out in the dark was a yellow plaid shirt. Of course it was him, he thought.

Connor passed out in the bush, he was lying there facedown. Jude reached out and poked the muscular boy’s forearm. No reaction. He shook him. Again, nothing. Jude couldn’t think of anything else, so he just went ahead and kicked Connor in the shin, which caused him to groan.

„Hey, big guy! Get up, it’s time to go home,” Jude said loudly. Connor just groaned again.

Jude scratched the back of his neck and looked around. He could tell that everyone was hammered, he was in this alone. Although he seriously doubted he could pull Connor out of there due to the obvious weight and size differences but he decided to try anyway. He grabbed both of Connor’s legs and started pulling as hard as he could. Connor was heavy but not as heavy as Jude thought he would be. With some effort, he managed to achieve that now Connor was lying on the grass.

Jude bent down to try to wake the unconscious boy. Nothing seemed to be working so he took things to extreme measures. He started out with flicking Connor’s ears, which made him giggle, then he came to the conclusion that there was no other option; so he slapped him across the face.

„The fuuuck,” Connor cried out in pain. He was in an utter daze, Jude would’ve bet 20 bucks that he wouldn’t even have recognized his own mother.

„Tell me who you came with so they can take you home,” Jude said slowly, making sure he was articulating every word perfectly.

Connor mumbled something Jude couldn’t understand.

„What was that?” he asked.

„…h’ppen…fell…blck hole,” Connor giggled.

„Oh dear,” Jude murmured. He contemplated what he should do because he was not getting anything sensible out of that guy. He tried to call Aaron to help him get Connor into his car but it went straight to voicemail.

He cursed a few times but he grabbed Connor’s waist, took his left arm and pulled it over his shoulder and lifted him up. They almost fell but Jude caught Connor just in time. They stumbled back in the house with Jude’s intention of finding Aaron and drive them home but it proved rather hard with the extra weight he was carrying. After about 5 minutes, he finally caught sight of his friend, who was busy shoving his tongue down some girl’s throat. Every fibre of his being screamed not to go over there and interrupt the cringeworthy scene but he had no choice, he was the designated driver.

He carefully navigated through the crowd of teenagers with a nearly unconscious Connor over his shoulder. When he reached Aaron, he took a deep breath.

„Aaron? Sorry, dude, we have to go. This numbskull here is completely wasted, I have to take him home to mine,” he shouted.

His friend broke the kiss with the random girl Jude did not recognize. From her frown, Jude could tell she didn’t appreciate it. „You can go, I’ll be fine,” he shouted back. „I’m busy,” he smirked and went back to kissing the redheaded girl.

„Fine,” Jude scoffed. Aaron had been begging him for days to come with him and drive him home, and he had the nerve to blow him off. Now Aaron could go and get an STD for all he cared.

Jude slowly made it out of the house, drawing Connor along. He didn’t park far away, but it took quite some time to get to his car with Connor weighing him down.

With some trouble, he sat Connor down in the passenger seat, then he climbed in next to him and drove off.

Connor was mumbling non-sense all the way to the Adams-Foster house. Jude got into his home as quietly as he could and took Connor upstairs to his room. He stopped at his night drawer to drop down his keys when Connor’s legs gave out and he crashed onto Jude’s bed, dragging him down with him.

„Shit, no, no, big guy, come on, get off of me,” he whispered but the boy didn’t hear it. He was already fast asleep and Jude’s left side was stuck underneath him. After several minutes of pushing and tugging on Connor’s clothes, Jude gave up and accepted his fate. He’d managed to take his glasses and beanie off before he, too, fell asleep with Connor on top of him.


	6. Chapter 6

Connor jumped out of bed and took a few steps back. His heart was racing and he was breathing heavily. He was desperately trying to recall what happened the night before that resulted in ending up in bed with Jude but he was failing. His mind was completely blank.

Jude opened his eyes narrowly, then started blinking rapidly when he saw the large figure standing in front his bed. He sit up and reached for his glasses and put them on.

„Morning, sunshine,” he greeted Connor with a raspy morning voice.

Connor gaped, he couldn’t believe this was happening. „Wh-wh-what h-h-happened? Did-did we?” he asked shakily. He was praying that this wasn’t what he thought it was.

Jude raised his eyebrows. „No, we didn’t. Nothing happened,” he replied. Connor heaved a sigh of relief. „Nothing, apart from when you were dry humping my thigh while screaming ’slap my ass and call me Gretchen’. Mean Girls fan, huh? Never would’ve guessed,” he continued with a deadly serious expression. Connor’s eyes widened in horror.

Jude bursted out laughing. „Relax, man, I’m just messing with you. I wish you could see your face right now.”

Connor felt his anger rise once again. „You’re a prick, I hope you know that,” he barked at Jude. He couldn’t fucking believe this guy.

„It was just a joke, you can unclench now. God, straight people are so sensitive,” he made sure he emphasised the word ’straight’ and folded his arms before his chest.

„Yeah, cause you’re hilarious,” Connor replied sarcastically. For some reason, he also felt the need to fold his arms. He was sure his face looked like a tomato.

He was standing there awkwardly for a while, avoiding Jude’s eyes when it registered in his brain that he wasn’t home, he was in an unfamiliar room. The walls were filled with article cut-outs, celebrity photos and band posters. Connor recognized a few but he had never seen most of those people before. Jude seemed to live there alone but there was an extra bed across from his.

He started wondering how he got there.

He glanced at Jude. „Why am I here?” he asked nervously.

„You passed out in a bush and there was no one there to help you and I was sober, so I did. I don’t know where you live so I brought you here,” the attitude was gone in that moment and he was busy staring at his folded arms.

„Oh,” Connor suddenly felt small. „Thanks for not leaving me there,” he said reluctantly. „But…why didn’t you put me in the other bed?” he needed more explanation.

Jude narrowed his eyes. „You collapsed on me while I was putting my keys down. I was trying to get you off of me but you’re just a tad too heavy for me,” the attitude was back. „This wasn’t exactly how I imagined having a guy in my bed for the first time, so you kinda owe me,” he smirked.

Connor’s jaw dropped, he had never been so embarrassed in his life. He didn’t know what to say. He watched Jude getting up and walking towards his closet.

„I’ll take a quick shower, d’ya mind?” he asked as he was going through his wardrobe, searching for clean clothes.

„Uh, no, I have to go anyway, my dad’s probably freaking out by now,” his voice sounded husky, so he cleared his throat.

Jude turned around to face him. „It’s Saturday, we were supposed to work on our project, remember? Just call your dad or something and tell him you’ll be home in a couple of hours.”

„Aw, shit, I totally forgot,” Connor replied.

Jude took off his necklace. „But you did that…thing, right? With the hay?”

„Yeah, sure. It’s gonna be fun doing homework with this fucking headache,” he closed his eyes and started massaging his temple. His head was killing him.

Jude snorted. „You’ve kinda brought that on yourself, dude. Do you remember anything?”

Connor shook his head.

„At all?” Jude pushed.

„Nah,” Connor grunted. „So, how come your parents are not home?” he asked to change the subject.

„Moms have taken my little sister to our grandma in Florida. They’ll be back in a couple of days,” Connor’s eyes shot up to the word ’moms’. He didn’t know Jude had two moms, just like he didn’t know anything about him. Lena didn’t strike him as gay, so he was kind of shocked as he heard the news. But nearly not as shocked when he realized that Jude wasn’t wearing a sweater anymore. Seeing his naked torso made his face heat up. He was trying his hardest not to look but he failed gloriously.

Jude noticed how red Connor had suddenly gotten and his lips curled into a soft smile. He was so onto Connor.

„I’ll be out in 5, could you make some coffee?” Jude asked as he was making his way to the bathroom.

Connor bit his lip. „Sure.”


	7. Chapter 7

„And that’s about it,” Connor finished describing his homework and took a sip from his coffee. He was already on his second one.

Jude had been staring at him with a puzzled expression from the second Connor started talking and now Connor was feeling uncomfortable. „What?” he asked slightly annoyed.

„You remember all that without looking at your notes?” Connor thought he sounded kind of…mad?

„I didn’t take any,” Connor replied.

„So you’re telling me you’re not stupid, just an idiot. Why are you pretending to be dumb?” he was definitely mad.

„I’m not pretending to be dumb. You just assumed it cause I play sports. And that’s not nice, Jude.”

Jude’s cheeks went red. Connor lifted his mug up to his face to hide his smile behind it. Oh, how the tables had turned.

„Then why do you choose a smart lab partner every year? You could clearly do all this shit by yourself. You can’t blame me for assuming things,” he tried hard to sound like a douche.

„Assumptions and pre-concieved ideas don’t do any good to anyone. Wanna know my GPA?” Connor smirked.

Jude shot him a look. „No, thanks.”

They sat there awkwardly for a minute when Connor cleared his throat.

„I think we’re done here, I should go.”

Jude nodded. „I’ll walk you out,” he got up from the stool and made his way to the front door with Connor following him.

„Hang on,” Connor suddenly stopped and reached into his pocket. „I think I left my phone upstairs. I’ll get it.” He didn’t wait for Jude’s reply, he ran up to his room. He looked around and saw his phone on Jude’s desk. He grabbed it and he was ready to head downstairs when he spotted something familiar from the corner of his eyes. Jude had a pile of video games and DVDs on his desk, and Connor noticed he owned his favorite game from his childhood, Legend of Zelda. His lips curled into a smile as he picked it up.

„You like going through people’s stuff?” Connor jumped at the sharp voice. Jude stood by the door with folded arms and a look that could kill. Connor put the game down.

„I play, too. When I’m not doing homework or playing baseball,” he didn’t bother to apologize to Jude.

Jude raised one of his eyebrows. „Wow, another guy who plays video games. You’re one in a million, Stevens.”

Connor shook his head, looked Jude in the eye and took a deep breath. „Why do you have to act like that? And before you tell me this is the ’real you’; I’m not buying it.”

Jude gaped. He didn’t expect Connor to say that, he completely caught him off guard. He knew he was staring and he could feel his face heat up but he couldn’t look away.

Connor didn’t ask that because he wanted to be an ass. He had seen the real Jude surface a couple of times and he genuinely wanted to understand what was going on with him. He wasn’t just some angsty kid, he knew there was a reason behind his shitty attitude.

After about a minute just staring at each other, Jude’s face hardened. „What the hell do you care, it’s none of your business,” he spat.

„I know it’s not my business,” Connor said softly. „And I care ’cause I think we could be friends,” he continued with the same soothing tone.

Jude bursted out in a humorless laughter. „Oh my god, I knew it.”

Connor frowned. „Knew what?”

Now it was Jude’s turn to shake his head. „That you’re just some confused straight boy that wants to experiment with the only out gay kid at school. Sorry, ’bro’, I’m not doing this again. You’re banging on the wrong door.”

His words felt like a punch in Connor’s stomach. He wanted to explain how it wasn’t about that and he got it all wrong but the words just wouldn’t come out. He just stood there with his mouth hanging open.

Jude scoffed. „Get out,” he whispered.

Connor didn’t move, he couldn’t move.

„GET THE FUCK OUT!” Jude yelled, breathing heavily.

Connor’s shoulders slumped. Without saying anything, he walked out of the room.


	8. Chapter 8

„Hey, dude, where the hell did you disappear on Friday?” Jordan asked Connor. Connor put his baseball shirt on and closed his locker.

„Uh, I got completely wasted, I woke up in a bush in Stacey’s backyard,” he lied. He wasn’t used to lying to Jordan, so he felt pretty bad about it. But there was no way in hell that he’d tell his friend about spending the night and most of Saturday at Jude’s.

Jordan frowned. „I didn’t see you there in the morning.”

Connor opened his mouth to say something, then it dawned on him. „You were still there in the morning?”

Jordan didn’t say anything but his eyes lit up and he flashed him a toothy grin.

„Attaboy!” Connor exclaimed. „How was it?”

His friend blushed. „Bro, she’s amazing. I think I…like her.”

Connor shook his head. „Wow, never thought I’d see the day. Jordan Angelopoulos actually likes a girl. Are you sure you’re feeling okay?” he mocked.

„Shut up,” Jordan punched Connor’s shoulder. „Come on, I’d rather not have Coach busting our balls.”

Connor nodded and they walked out of the locker room.

Their teammates were already there, they were warming up. Jordan and Connor joined them while they were waiting for their coach to arrive.

„I almost forgot, what happened with Daria? Did you guys..?” Jordan asked between swings with an imaginary bat.

„Uhh,” Connor looked away. He didn’t want to lie to his best friend again, but he didn’t want to tell him the truth either. He was busy examining the stand while he was trying to come up with something when he spotted him.

„Fuck,” he cursed.

„You bastard! Why didn’t you tell me earlier?!” Jordan sounded mildly offended.

Connor frowned. „Wha-OH NO, nothing happened! I swore ’cause I noticed Jude sitting up there and, uhh, we’re not exactly getting along,” he said defensively. „What’s he doing here anyway?”

“It’s not like the first time he’s here, bro. He sometimes tags along with Kevin’s girlfriend, umm, what’s her name…Taylor, yeah, that’s it. They’re best friends or something,“ Jordan explained. “Why do you care so much anyway?“

“I don’t. Told you he was a dick,“ Connor lied again.

“And I told you he wanted to ride one,“ Jordan smirked.

Connor shot him a look. “Remind me why I’m friends with you.“

“’Cause I’m awesome? And you probably wouldn’t get any if it wasn’t for me,“ he winked and stuck his tongue out. Connor rolled his eyes in response. Smug asshole.

His gaze wandered back to Jude. He was laughing at something that Taylor whispered in his ear. He didn’t seem bothered by Connor’s presence, he looked so happy and carefree, not like the other day. Connor’s heart sank. He liked it when he said something to Jude that irritated him but he felt utterly shitty about what had happened on Saturday. Upsetting him wasn’t his intention so he felt guilty about that whole situation, he wished he wouldn’t have asked those things. He would’ve taken them back if he could.

He didn’t do well at practice, he was distracted by Jude. His coach yelled at him multiple times to stop slacking and half-assing everything but he didn’t care. He was desperately trying to think about how he could make up with Jude. He wasn’t going to let this go, even if Jude didn’t, he firmly believed they could be friends. He just had to show him.

He decided to text Jude; ’meet me in the locker room after every1 left, i need 2 talk 2 U’.

He’d been waiting for Jude’s reply for minutes but nothing. His phone said Jude read it, so he had hope that Jude would show up. He took a quick shower and changed into fresh clothes and patiently waited for his teammates to go home.

When the room cleared out, he started pacing, thinking about what he was going to say to Jude to apologize and convince him that they should be friends.

15 minutes passed, he was still alone. He started panicking that Jude would never speak to him again when the boy walked in. His hair was down and he was only wearing a plain red hoodie with black jeans but Connor’s heart started beating faster all of a sudden.

“Hey,“ Connor greeted him shyly. Jude leaned against a locker, folded his arms. He avoided eye contact but mumbled a ‘hey’ back.

Connor could feel his palms getting sweaty. He took a deep breath. “So, uhh, I…I, uhh, I-I wanted to apologize. For the other day,“ his voice was shaky.

Jude’s eyes shot up. His face was unreadable to Connor. “I shouldn’t have said those things to you, I overstepped, and I’m sorry. I really did mean it when I said I want us to be friends,“ he continued.

Jude shook his head and let out a long sigh. “I don’t get you.“

Connor looked at him in confusion. “I don’t understand.“

The slender boy scoffed. “You’re sorry? You are the one that’s sorry?“ he was almost shouting. He pushed himself away from the locker and took a few steps in Connor’s direction. “I should be the one to apologize but I‘m not doing that because as we all know, I’m a dickhead. So the question is: what the everloving fuck is wrong with you, Connor?“ he yelled.

Connor’s eyes widened. He knew that Jude was probably right, but he couldn’t shake that guilty feeling. He didn’t know what to say, he wasn’t prepared for this outcome.

Jude stepped closer again, they were about 5 feet apart. “I asked what is wrong with you, dumbass,“ his voice sounded calmer but the anger was still evident in it.

Connor felt a lump forming in his throat. There was a whole lot that was wrong with him. But he couldn’t voice those issues, not to Jude, not to Jordan, not to anyone. He would hardly admit them to himself.

He swallowed the lump. “I don’t know,“ he whispered.

Jude took another big step. “You’re not getting away that easily. Cut the crap and tell me what do you want from me. What do you really want from me?“

“Jude, don’t,” Connor begged.

Jude pretended he didn’t hear what the other boy said and continued. “You could’ve sent me a text saying you’re sorry and that would’ve been it. Done. Or you could’ve told me this tomorrow in class. Sorted.”

“Shut up, Jude,” now Connor was getting mad.

Jude ignored him again. “But you’ve made me wait for you till you were alone in a fucking locker room. You didn’t do this just so you could apologize to me. So why did you want me here, Connor?“ He got closer and closer to Connor as he was talking. They were dangerously close to each other but Connor didn’t move.

“Just shut up!“ Connor yelled.

“Why, Connor?” Jude was relentless. Now they were face to face, Jude looked directly into Connor’s eyes. Connor could feel the boy’s hot breath against his skin.

“For fuck’s sake,“ Connor groaned, grabbed Jude’s face and kissed his lips.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: depressing af.

Jude wasn’t kissing him back; not at first. But as soon as he was, it sent a shiver down Connor’s spine. The girls Connor had kissed before couldn’t compare to Jude’s warm, soft lips against his, they didn’t even come close. Jude’s hands gripped Connor’s waist and tightened around them. He pulled Connor closer, deepening the kiss. Connor let out a small moan. Now he could taste the peppermint gum on Jude’s tongue that he was chewing on earlier.

Connor had no idea how long they had been kissing when Jude suddenly pulled away. It could’ve been a minute or ten, he was lost in exploring the smaller boy’s mouth.

They looked each other in the eyes, Connor still holding onto Jude’s face, both of them panting.

“I’m not gonna be anybody’s secret,“ Jude whispered, closing his eyes. He grabbed Connor’s wrists and pushed them away, then turned around, pulled his hood up and stormed off without saying anything else.

Connor just stood there frozen, speechless. His mind was blank again just like the morning he woke up in Jude’s bed. The only difference, significant difference, was that he was blind drunk the night before that. But now…now he was sober, dead sober.

He took a deep breath, then buried his face in his hands. “What the fuck are you doing,“ he muttered to himself.

After he somewhat gathered himself, he decided it was time to go home.

It was already dark outside and it was raining. He could’ve gotten a lift if he wanted to but he decided to walk instead. He didn’t mind getting wet and he wasn’t really keen on talking to anyone. He was already dreading the shallow conversation he was going to have with his father during dinner.

By the time he got home, he was soaked. His dad was sitting on the sofa, concentrating hard on the game that was on tv. He didn’t look up when he greeted his son. “Hi, Connor.“

Connor didn’t respond, not that his dad cared. He rushed upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door. He managed to get out of his wet clothes fairly easily, then he hopped in the shower. He hadn’t realized how cold he was until the hot water touched his body.

He took a quick shower, he didn’t want to spend too much time alone with his racing thoughts, however, he didn’t want to spend time in anyone else’s company either. He looked in the mirror before he got out of the bathroom. His eyes were even sadder than usual.

His gaze wandered to the shelf where they kept the shaving cream, pills and other stuff that belonged in a bathroom, and it lingered there for a while. He shook his head, then rushed into his room.

He put on fresh clothes and lied down with his headphones on. He didn’t plan on doing his homework or eating dinner. He just wanted to drown his thoughts until he fell asleep.

When he woke up, the music was no longer blasting in his ears, his playlist had obviously ended by then. Last night’s shitty mood was accompanied by nausea.

He looked at the time on his phone; 6:34. He got out of bed, put on his shoes, and grabbed his backpack and varsity jacket. He skipped breakfast and decided to walk to school instead of riding with Jordan. He figured he’d get some coffee on the way.

San Diego looked gorgeous in the morning, he couldn’t deny that, but he also couldn’t deny that he didn’t feel any of that beauty that day. Just to pretty much anything else, he was numb to it.

His stomach twisted when he walked past the now familiar Adams Foster house.

Not far from Anchor Beach, he found a coffee shop where the queue was short. He forced a smile on his face when the barista flashed him one.

He was sitting on a bench, sipping the hot liquid while he was waiting for school to start.

He didn’t speak much throughout the day, but he tried to respond to Jordan when he talked to him.

He was putting some of his books into his locker and was about to head outside for lunch when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He let out a heavy sigh.

He turned around to see Jude hovering over him. “I need to talk to you,“ Jude said in a low voice.

Connor’s heart started racing and he could feel a lump forming in his throat. He was certain he’d blown any chance of them ever being friends, and he wasn’t sure he could face rejection that day. His mind immediately went “but what if…“, which made him want to run in the other direction.

Either way, he needed to hear what Jude had to say.


	10. Chapter 10

“You sure your mom won’t come back earlier?” asked Connor nervously, glancing at the door. Jude thought his mom’s office was the place to have their little private conversation.

“Yes, she won’t be back for another 20 minutes, she’s having lunch with my other mom,” Jude ensured him. Connor nodded.

Jude leaned against Lena’s desk and folded his arms. Connor slid his hands in his pockets and bit his lip. Here we go, he thought.

“So, uh, I actually wanted to apologize. You know, for those…things,” Jude started reluctantly. Connor frowned. If this was an apology, it was a lousy one.

Jude sighed. “For the things, you know,” he continued. He wasn’t doing any better, Connor still looked puzzled.

“Goddamn it,” he murmured. “I should probably do this more often.”

He ran his fingers through his messy hair and took a deep breath. “Basically what I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry for being an ass.”

Connor opened his mouth to say something but Jude cut him off. “No, I’m not finished. I’m sorry for lashing out on Saturday and I’m sorry for running out on you yesterday,” he looked down at his feet but Connor could see his cheeks turning pink. Connor also felt his face heat up to the memory of Jude’s lips on his. “But I also meant what I said,” he continued with a firm voice. He looked up at Connor. “I’m not gonna be anybody’s secret, Connor. I can’t do that,” his voice cracked. Connor pretended not to notice.

Connor didn’t say anything, he didn’t know what to say. He always kept everything inside, he wasn’t sure if he would ever be capable of opening up to anyone.

So they just stared at each other awkwardly until finally, Jude spoke up. “I was honest with you, the only thing I’m asking you is to be honest with me, too.”

Connor stayed silent.

“What are we doing, Connor?” Jude whispered defeatedly.

Silence.

Jude exhaled. He closed his eyes and shook his head, then pushed himself away from the desk. He walked up to Connor and stood as close to him as possible without touching. Connor’s heart was beating rapidly again as he was looking into those piercing, dark brown eyes. As Jude leaned closer, Connor froze.

“I’ve told you, you’re not getting away that easily. You know where to find me,” he whispered into Connor’s ear, then made his way to the door.

“C’mon, big guy, my mom’s gonna kill us if she finds us here,” the smile was evident in his voice.

Connor followed him to the hallway, then watched the boy walk away. He wasn’t hungry anymore, so he decided to wait in the classroom for his English to start.

At the end of the day, he rode with Jordan. He asked Connor to come over so he could ‘beat his lame ass’ in Mortal Kombat, but he lied he had a shit ton of homework to do. He did have a lot of homework, that part was true, but he couldn’t care less about it. He planned on sleeping through the rest of the day.

He was woken up by a loud thumping noise. He narrowly opened his eyes to find the source of the sound, and acknowledged that he’d pushed a small pile of books off of the nightstand.

He tried to go back to sleep but his growling stomach wouldn’t let him, he was starving. He glanced at his clock, it was almost dinner time, which meant he hadn’t eaten in more than a day.

He stumbled out of bed, and into the bathroom to wash his face. Apart from being hungry as hell, he wasn’t feeling so low anymore, sleeping did the trick.

He put on a clean T-Shirt and went downstairs. As per usual, his father was sitting in front of the tv with a bottle of beer in his hand, but Connor could see he had already prepared the plates for dinner on the coffee table. He hopped on the couch next to him.

“What’s for dinner? Chinese? Thai? Mexican? God, I swear I could eat an entire horse right now,” Connor groaned.

His father snorted. “Then you won’t be happy ‘cause I ordered Italian. It should be here any minute now.”

Connor chuckled softly. His dad didn’t usually crack jokes that weren’t hurtful or inappropriate.

The doorbell rang and Adam rushed to the door to answer it. Connor took possession of the remote and started surfing the channels. When he saw Mean Girls was on, his lips unwittingly curled into a smile, but the thought of Jude also made his stomach shift.

He quickly changed the channel when his father came back and settled next to him. “Bolognese or Carbonara?” Adam held up two paper boxes in front of him. Connor grabbed a fork, the Bolognese and started shoveling it into his mouth straight from the box. He was nearly done with it when he felt his father’s gaze on him. He turned his head to see his dad looking at him questioningly.

“What?” Connor asked with his mouth stuffed.

“Son, you’re eating that damn spaghetti like you haven’t eaten in a week,” Adam replied.

Connor swallowed the food. “Told you I was hungry, dad.”

“Well, there’s leftover pizza in the fridge. I’m not saying you should but eat it if you want. But I expect you to go to the gym tomorrow if you do.”

Connor creased his eyebrows. “What are you implying, dad?” He asked in a low voice. He felt his anger rise.

“Nothing. All I’m trying to say is that you gotta stay fit, you can’t eat garbage all the time,” Adam explained.

Connor scoffed. He couldn’t fucking believe this man. “Garbage,” he laughed humorlessly and jumped up from the couch so he could look down on his father. “And who exactly ordered pasta tonight? Why don’t you learn to cook something other than fucking scrambled eggs and mac and cheese, then, huh?” He retorted, almost shouting.

His dad stood up, he had a look on his face that made Connor want to run away and find refuge. “Don’t you dare talk to me like that,” Adam hissed. “You’re dangerously close to being grounded, Connor.”

Connor looked at his father incredulously. “Fine,” he said with gritted teeth, and stormed off.

He slammed his bedroom door and started pacing the room with clenched fists, shifting his jaw from side to side. He was furious with his father, he always pulled shit like that and Connor didn’t know what he’d done to deserve this. What had he done to deserve such an asshole of a father, who basically made him live in fear his whole life and was constantly bringing his spirits down? Not to mention his mother, who left him for some guy in Arizona.

“Fuck,” he grunted angrily and slammed his fists on his desk. He could hear himself breathing heavily and his heart pulsating in his ears.

All of a sudden, an idea popped into his mind.

He grabbed his phone from the nightstand and dialed. They picked up after two rings.

“Yeah?” The deep voice asked.

“Do you have that fake ID, Jordy?”


	11. Chapter 11

“You know, when you asked me if I had my fake ID, this isn’t what I had in mind,” Jordan said as he climbed into his car. He and Connor were parked outside of Domino’s with 3 freshly baked pizzas on the backseat, ready to leave.

Connor fastened his seatbelt. “I figured. But thanks for being my wingman, dude. I appreciate it.”

Jordan scoffed. “Wingman? More like your chauffeur, bro,” he replied.

“You’re an excellent chauffeur then, you satisfy my illegal needs and everything,” Connor laughed.

Jordan pretended to fix his imaginary bow tie. “Whatever you need, Sir,” he said in an awful British accent.

The boys glanced at each other, then both of them bursted out laughing. That’s what Connor loved most about Jordan, he could always cheer him up. Besides his dad, he was the only constant person in his life, but Jordan was the only one who would have his back no matter what.

“So, where to now? Where does Mystery Girl live?” Jordan asked enthusiastically as he started the engine.

“Um, I don’t really know the address, just the area. Can you, like, just drive, I’ll recognize the house,” Connor replied warily. He was sure his best friend would want to strangle him at that point.

Jordan gaped. “You’re shitting me right now.” Connor stayed silent, he didn’t want to throw gasoline on a fire.

Jordan threw his head back and groaned. “He’s serious, goddamn it!” He tilted his head to face Connor, who was pouting.

Jordan crinkled his nose in disgust. “No, don’t do that shit, I’ll drive.”

Connor gave him the instructions and Jordan began driving.

“I can’t decide if you’re being a secretive asshole or just a total idiot,” Jordan mocked. “What’s that DVD you rented, anyway? Why won’t you show me?” He pushed.

“’Cause it’s none of your business, Jordy-poo,” Connor smirked.

“If it’s The Notebook, I swear I’ll push you out of this car,” he deadpanned.

Connor shook his head. “It’s not, I promise,” he assured Jordan. “Although,” he continued, “I quite enjoyed that movie,” he joked.

Jordan gave him the death stare, which made Connor laugh. For once, he was messing with Jordan, not the other way around.

They’d been driving for 20 minutes when Connor yelled stop.

“This is it, man,” Connor said, looking out the window. Jordan could detect the nervousness in his friend’s voice, so he encouragingly patted him on the shoulder.

Connor got out of the car, grabbed his backpack and threw it over his shoulder. He picked up two boxes of pizza from the backseat and something from the trunk. With his hands full, he said goodbye to Jordan, who wished him good luck and told him he expected to hear all the details the next day.

Connor took a deep breath and walked up to the door. With shaking hands, he rang the bell and waited. His heart was pounding in his chest and his thoughts were racing. What if his parents came back already? What if he wasn’t going to let him in? What if he was going to tell him to get the fuck out like he had before?

The door swung open and an obviously annoyed Jude stood there, barefoot, wearing a loose T-Shirt and sweatpants. When he laid eyes on Connor, he completely lost it.

“What the hell are you doing here?!” He shrieked. “It’s 9 o’clock on a Tuesday, seriously, dude, just go home,” he spat, running his fingers through his hair.

Connor felt like he had just got kicked in the stomach. He had to remind himself that this was just generally Jude’s attitude, he shouldn’t read much into it.

He cleared his throat. “I come bearing gifts,” he said innocently, holding up the pizzas and a six-pack of beer.

Jude shook his head and put his hands on his hips. “What is it, idiot day?” He groaned to himself. He analyzed the situation, then let out a breath.

“Fine, come on in,” he generously opened the door wider so Connor could go in.

Connor fought the urge to smile, he was damn relieved that Jude let him in, despite the fact that he caught him in a mood. He looked around, Jude was seemingly alone.

He didn’t wait for Jude, he made his way to the living room. The other boy followed him. “So, who pissed you off? Apart from me now, of course,” he didn’t bother with small talk, it was pointless with Jude. Connor put the pizza and the beer down on the coffee table and settled on the sofa with his backpack, earning a look of disapproval from Jude.

Jude ignored his question. “What is all this?” He asked suspiciously and pointed at the food on the table. He was still standing and he folded his arms in front of his chest.

“Those are paper boxes with pizza in them. Pizza is a type of food, they’re ma-“

Jude cut him off. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but stop being a smartass, Stevens.”

Connor smirked up at Jude, he couldn’t lie, he was quite proud of himself in that moment. Jude rolled his eyes in response and placed himself next to the boy on the couch, keeping his distance, of course.

“Seriously, what are you doing here?” Jude asked, his voice lacking the attitude.

“I thought we could just…hang out?” Connor was biting his lip. He wanted to spend time with Jude and frankly, it scared the living shit out of him but he couldn’t help it. Somehow, he was drawn to this boy that dressed better and weirder than anyone he’d ever seen in his life. To the boy who was meaner than anyone he’d ever encountered.

Jude opened his mouth to reply but he stopped himself and just nodded in agreement.

“So,” Jude clapped his hands together. “What did you bring?” His gaze lingered on the beer.

“I, my friend, brought two large medium pizzas, one pepperoni, and one – and I took a risk here – Hawaiian.”

Jude raised his eyebrows in surprise. “How did you know I liked Hawaiian?”

Connor shrugged. “I kinda suspected it. You just…seem like that type of person, you know?”

Jude scoffed. “You come into my house and sass me out,” he said darkly. “You’re a mean girl, Connor,” he stated and reached for the pizza and the beer.

“Which reminds me,” Connor unzipped his backpack and pulled out a DVD. He waved it in front of Jude, grinning.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Jude exclaimed. Connor held a copy of Mean Girls in his hands.

“I also thought we could watch this,” Connor’s voice was full of hope.

“You have a lot of thoughts lately,” Jude mocked but grabbed the movie and put it in the DVD player, making Connor grin like an idiot.

“I’ve never actually seen the whole thing, only bits,” Connor commented, and opened a can.

Jude stared at him incredulously. “I kinda like it, it has a slightly feminist undertone. Like Pitch Perfect.”

Connor frowned.

“What?” Jude asked in confusion.

Connor shrugged and smiled. “Never seen that one either.”

Jude looked at him like he was from another planet. “What kind of upbringing did you have?” He asked jokingly.

Connor’s smile faded. All of a sudden he felt nauseous again, and it wasn’t because of the few sips of alcohol.

When Jude noticed how pale Connor had gotten, he quickly apologized. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to…I just, I meant that…I’m sorry.” His face turned bright red.

Connor just nodded, his throat had closed up. He avoided Jude’s glance and fixated his eyes on the tv screen.

A few seconds had passed, then Jude pressed play. He accepted Connor’s silence and Connor was grateful for that.

He leaned back on the couch and took a huge gulp of his beer. From the corner of his eyes, he saw Jude reach over where he was sitting, then he felt the boy’s cold fingers on his right hand. Jude gently squeezed it and he was about to pull away, but Connor wouldn’t let him. He grabbed Jude’s hand and interlocked their fingers.


	12. Chapter 12

“He did not actually do that, you’re just messing with me,” Jude said in disbelief. Connor was laughing so hard he couldn’t speak, so he just nodded.

Jude shook his head. “Does Jordan know he’s an idiot?”

“Yeah, I think he’s aware,” Connor replied, still laughing.

Jude and Connor had finished watching the movie and now they were sitting on the floor, listening to the radio while talking and laughing. They’d almost drunk the beer so they were mildly tipsy.

“You still haven’t told me who’d pissed you off before I got here,” Connor said, raising one eyebrow.

Jude threw his head back and let out a grunt. “Do not even remind me. I was on the phone with Kevin, from your baseball team.” His reply surprised Connor, why would Jude talk to Kevin?

“Why?” Connor asked nervously.

Jude tilted his head and softly smiled at Connor’s confused expression. “’Cause Taylor dumped him today. And since I’m her best friend, he thought I would convince her to take him back. He practically begged me.” Jude snorted at the thought. “I mean, why would I do that? I’m not the boss of Taylor, if she doesn’t want to go out with him anymore, she won’t. Men and their entitlement issues, am I right?”

Connor nodded in agreement. He hung out with Kevin a couple of times at parties but he didn’t know him very well. Now he thought he was probably better off.

A familiar song came on the radio and Connor started tapping along, meanwhile Jude just rolled his eyes.

“Tell me you’re not actually into One Direction,” Jude frowned.

Connor finished his third – and last - beer and threw the can on the table. “This is a good ass song, okay,” he replied defensively. “But for your information, no, I’m not actually into One Direction.”

Jude heaved a sigh of relief. “Good. I don’t know how I would’ve handled that,” he joked. Connor chuckled softly.

“What kind of music are you into, then?” Jude asked curiously.

Connor shrugged. “I like what I like.”

“What do you like?” Jude pushed. He wouldn’t have taken his eyes off of Connor and the boy had a feeling Jude wasn’t just asking about his taste in music.

It took Connor a while to respond, he’d been trying to come up with a good answer. Not with the right answer, but with a good one. “I like Ed Sheeran and Dan + Shay,” he said finally.

Jude scoffed. “Dan + Shay, huh? You really are the all-American boy, Stevens.”

Connor’s lips curled into a soft smile. It was far from the truth and they both knew it. “I fucking love Ed Sheeran, though,” Jude continued casually, which made Connor laugh out loud. At least they had something in common, Connor thought.

They’d been sitting there quietly for a few minutes when Connor suddenly broke the silence. “My mom left when I was fourteen. She moved in with some guy in Arizona,” he muttered.

Jude’s head shot up but he didn’t say anything. He was waiting for Connor to continue.

Connor scooted closer to Jude and took the boy’s hand in his. He began playing with Jude’s fingers as he talked. “She hardly ever calls and I only see her on my birthday and at Christmas.” He moved on to Jude’s palm and started tracing it with his fingers, which made Jude shiver. “It’s just me and my dad, and he’s not an easy man to stick with. Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t actually love me, he just loves the person he thinks I am. The jock. The star of the baseball team,” he said ironically and sadly smiled to himself. “But that’s not who I am, not really.” He glanced at Jude who was soaking everything up that Connor was saying. “It’s just hard not having the kind of parents who you can count and rely on, who love you unconditionally, you know?” His voice broke but he kept playing with Jude’s hand.

Jude cleared his throat. “Yeah, I remember how that feels.”

Connor tilted his head to look Jude in the eyes and furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

Jude took a deep breath. “My mom died in a car accident caused by my dad when I was little. He went to jail and there was no one to take us in so my sister, Callie, and I went into foster care. We’d been in six different foster homes before we got placed with my moms. For more than six years, it felt like nobody wanted us. I’d never felt safe until Stef and Lena adopted us, not ever.”

Connor let go of Jude’s hand. He always felt stupid after talking about his feelings but now…now he felt small and inadequate, too. “Now I feel like a douche for complaining,” he whispered and turned away.

Jude gently grabbed Connor’s face and turned his head so he could look him in the eyes when he said what he wanted. “It’s not complaining, Connor. My mom died but I know she loved me. But your mom decided to leave you and I think that’s worse.” Connor swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat. “My dad wasn’t around much when I was a kid but when he got out, he wanted to get us back. But he realized we were better off with the Adams Fosters, so he signed his parental rights away. He loved me that much.” Connor’s eyes were burning but he fought his tears back. “Look, I know I haven’t met your dad but he didn’t abandon you. Don’t give up on him yet,” Jude forced a smile on his face and caressed Connor’s back.

Connor closed his eyes and buried his face in his hands. He let Jude stroke him while he tried to gather himself. He didn’t seem to succeed.

“He’ll hate me,” Connor mumbled.

Jude stopped stroking Connor’s back. “Why will he hate you?” He questioned slightly confused.

Connor looked up at Jude and took a deep breath. “Because I’m gay,” he replied with a thin, shaky voice. Until that moment, he’d only thought those words, he’d never said them aloud before. He stood in front of a mirror multiple times but he just couldn’t do it. He couldn’t do it until now.

Jude only noticed he held all the air in when he exhaled. He instinctively threw his arms around Connor’s neck and hugged him tight. Connor hugged him back and buried his face in the smaller boy’s neck.

“It’s gonna be okay. Everything’s gonna be okay.” Jude kept whispering those words in his ear.


	13. Chapter 13

Connor woke up to the sound of his alarm going off on his phone. He lazily reached into his pocket and hit snooze, he’d rather have spent ten more minutes lying on the couch than get up and take a shower. He couldn’t have smelled that bad, right?

He almost dozed off when he heard someone opening the front door. He jumped up so fast that the room started spinning for a moment. He had no idea how Jude’s parents would react to finding a random guy on their couch but he didn’t want to find out.

He quickly grabbed his flannel shirt and put it over his T-Shirt. Now he looked decent and fully dressed up except for the shoes but he didn’t have time to put them on because as soon as he buttoned up his top, he heard someone clearing his throat behind his back.

He sucked the air in and turned around. To Connor’s biggest surprise, it wasn’t the vice principal or another woman, but a greying middle-aged guy in a police uniform. He had a questioning look on his face, and Connor was sure he looked like a moron in that moment.

He was so puzzled he didn’t even notice that Jude came down the stairs. “’Morning, Mike,” he greeted the policeman and yawned. He was still in his pyjamas and he had his glasses on instead of contacts.

“Good morning, Jude. Who’s this?” He pointed at Connor and raised an eyebrow.

“Oh, this is my…friend, Connor. Connor, this is Mike, my mom’s ex-husband. He’s here to pick me up because the car has broken down again,” he explained. Connor awkwardly waved at the man. Jude’s family just got more complicated, Connor didn’t know what to expect next.

Mike didn’t seem to be satisfied with Jude’s answer, though. “And what is he doing here? You know I’ll have to tell your moms, right?”

Connor felt his face heating up. It was way too early for him to make up an excuse but luckily Jude got it covered. “We were working on our biology project, the first part is due today. We started it pretty late ‘cause big guy here had baseball practice and we fell asleep. No big deal,” he replied instantly.

Connor could see Mike was still suspicious about the situation, but he decided to let it go, so he just nodded.

“If you guys haven’t eaten yet, you better hurry because we have to leave in 20,” Mike said, looking at his watch.

“Got it!” Jude exclaimed, gesturing Connor to tag along as he made his way to the kitchen.

They managed to get ready just in time. During the car ride, Jude and Mike were talking to each other while Connor was worrying about people – and by people he actually meant just Jordan – seeing them together. His best friend wasn’t the smartest guy but even he could put 2 and 2 together.

To Connor’s relief, no one seemed to notice – or care about – them arriving to school together. They thanked Mike, then Jude awkwardly mumbled a ‘see ya in class’ and they went on their separate ways.

In biology, they hardly said anything to one another, but Connor would often glance at Jude and vice versa.

He didn’t see Jude after that on that day. Or the next day. Or the day after that. They didn’t communicate in any way, and that was due to the fact that Connor had no clue what to say. After his coming out on Tuesday, they just left things hanging. They weren’t friends, they weren’t…anything. Just two people who only hung out once properly. Just two people who shared a kiss that one time.

Then why did Connor feel like he was missing something?

On Saturday, Connor wasn’t planning on going out, he just wanted to lie in bed with his laptop, watching silly sitcoms on Netflix. It was a few minutes after 10 and he was on his fourth episode of New Girl when his phone buzzed. He let out a deep sigh and grabbed his phone from the nightstand. When he saw who it was from, he had to blink a couple of times to see if it was real, if it was still there.

It was a text from Jude asking if he wanted to go for a night swim by the school. He didn’t need time to think, he instantly replied with a ‘yes’, then jumped out of bed. He changed from sweatpants and a T-Shirt into a pair of jeans and a plaid shirt and he grabbed his varsity jacket just in case, then rushed down the stairs.

His father was sitting in front of the tv, concentrating hard on some game.

“Dad, can I borrow your car?” Connor asked.

Adam didn’t look up. “Sure, son. I’d appreciate it if you came home before noon. Tell Jordan I said hi.”

“Okay, thanks, bye,” Connor replied and stormed off.

The car ride never seemed so long before. He parked his car at the school parking lot and began searching for Jude. It didn’t take long to find him, he was sitting on a bench in front of the building. He suddenly got nervous as he watched the wind blowing Jude’s hair. He slid his hands into his pockets and carefully approached the bench.

“Hey,” he said shyly as he sat down next to Jude.

“Hey.“ Jude smiled.

None of them knew what to say next, so they just sat next to each other, staring at the ocean. Except for a few drunk kids, they were alone on the beach.

After what it seemed like a long time, Jude finally spoke up. “So, how come you weren’t at an awesome party on a Saturday?“

Connor chuckled. “How do you know I wasn’t?” He retorted.

“’Cause then you wouldn’t be here.” Jude laughed.

“Well, I don’t get a text asking if I want to go for a night swim every day.”

“I wanted to throw rocks at your window but I still don’t know where you live. And you would’ve gotten suspicious if I asked,” Jude said, still smiling. His eyes lit up when Connor looked him in the eyes and flashed him a wide grin.

For some inexplicable reason, Connor liked these chats with Jude. He probably liked them too much.

Jude scooched closer to Connor, their pinkies almost touched. Their smile faded but they didn’t look away.

“So,” Jude breathed and leaned closer.

“So,” Connor whispered and swallowed hard. He let Jude move closer but he stayed still. Their noses touched and Connor felt his heart pounding in his chest. In that moment, he wanted nothing more than to close the gap between them but something didn’t let him.

But it didn’t matter because Jude tilted his head and pressed a soft kiss on Connor’s lips. Connor closed his eyes and kissed back but then quickly pulled away.

“Jude, what are you doing?” He asked in a thin voice. Now he knew he wanted to be with Jude but he also knew he couldn’t give him what he wanted. A boyfriend he didn’t have to hide.

“Probably something stupid,” Jude replied. Before Connor could react, Jude grabbed his face and started kissing him again, but deeper this time. Connor melted into the kiss and he was about to put his hands on the smaller boy’s waist when Jude pulled away.

“Loser has to do the entire presentation next week,” he smirked, then jumped up from the bench and started running towards the water, losing his clothes on the way.

Connor laughed and ran after him.


	14. Chapter 14

*3 months later*

 

Connor’s phone buzzed. He picked it up from the bed, and a wide smile spread across his face. He tossed his books aside, then jumped out of bed and walked to his closet, he picked out a long sleeved baseball T-Shirt and a hoodie and he was ready to go. He was out of the room when he realized he’d forgotten his backpack, so he went back for it, then rushed down the stairs and grabbed the car keys.

“Dad?” He shouted.

“Yeah?” To Connor’s surprise, his dad’s voice was coming from the kitchen, not from the living room.

“I’m going to Jordan’s, I’ll be home for dinner,” he informed Adam, but it was a total lie.

“Okay, drive safe,” his dad replied. Connor nodded, then realized his father couldn’t see him, so he shouted ‘okay’ back and stormed out.

He felt instant relief the moment he stepped out of the house. He got into his truck that his father bought him two months ago. He remembered being ecstatic when his dad lead him outside after he got home from work. Although it wasn’t new, but when he saw the red Ford standing in their driveway in all its glory, he couldn’t stop grinning. His initial thought was how much easier and faster it was going to be to go to Jude’s home. He wouldn’t have to borrow his dad’s car or walk all the way over there.

He called Jude right away to tell him the great news and they took it for a test drive. It was late on a school night, they didn’t have much time and Connor wanted to go some place romantic but Jude claimed he hadn’t had dinner yet, so their first trip was to Taco Bell. They ended up eating and making out in the car in the parking lot, and again, Connor could’ve thought of at least a hundred more intimate places, but it was perfect. To him, spending any time with Jude was perfect, no matter what they did or where they were. These past 3 months with him felt like a daydream. Yes, they had to hide and keep it a secret, which was not-so-great but the good things outweighed the bad ones. He was happy with Jude, in fact he’d never been happier in his entire life.

When he pulled up in the Adams Fosters’ driveway, the butterflies appeared in his stomach and excitement flooded his veins. He ran up to the door and rang the doorbell. About ten seconds later, the door flew open and a smirking Jude grabbed Connor’s hand and pulled him inside. Connor dropped his hoodie and backpack on the floor and passionately kissed his boyfriend. Jude smiled against Connor’s lips and threw his arms around his neck.

“How much time do we have?” Connor asked between two kisses. His hands were gripping Jude’s waist.

“Plenty,” Jude mumbled. He licked his way into Connor’s mouth and his hands came down from Connor’s neck to the hem of his shirt and he pulled on it, indicating he wanted to go upstairs and continue their make out session in his bedroom.

Connor’s hands grabbed Jude’s, stopping them from going any further. He slightly pulled away and rested his forehead on Jude’s.

“Seriously, how much time do we have?” He panted.

Jude opened his eyes and furrowed his eyebrows. “Why?” He asked suspiciously.

Connor smiled at his boyfriend’s tone. “Because I’d like to do something I’ve been wanting to for the past three months,” he answered.

Jude pulled away from Connor, folded his arms in front of his chest and stared at him in confusion. Connor picked up and unzipped his backpack, pulling out a sketch pad. He smirked at Jude as he held it up.

Jude raised an eyebrow. “What do you want with that?”

Connor rolled his eyes. “I want to sketch your video game collection on your desk, maybe I’ll throw in some of your posters on your wall, too. It’s gonna make a pretty sick still life, if you ask me. What do you think,” he replied sarcastically.

Jude narrowed his eyes. “I think that I’m a bad influence on you, Stevens,” he said darkly.

“No one’s arguing with that,” Connor chuckled, which earned him a punch in the shoulder. “Come on, Jude, I want to sketch you.”

Jude held his head high. “Ask nicely and I’ll maybe consider it.”

“Please?” Connor started pouting and looked at Jude with big puppy eyes. He knew Jude hated to admit, but it worked on him pretty well.

Jude’s face softened and let out a breath. “Fine,” he replied, causing Connor to beam. “But since I haven’t seen any of your drawings I don’t know if you’re a good artist or not. I’m afraid you won’t do me justice,” he continued.

Connor shot him a look. “I guess you’ll have to wait and see.”

“But-“ Jude protested.

“-no ‘buts’, get your ass upstairs,” Connor cut him off.

Jude raised his eyebrows. “I thought you said ‘no butts’,” he smirked.

Connor threw his head back and let out a small groan. “Just go, please.”

“You’re no fun,” Jude stated but made his way into his bedroom with Connor following him.

Connor was about to take his pencils out of his bag when Jude gripped his hands, making him drop everything once again. Jude pressed their lips together and pulled Connor towards his bed. He stumbled back and fell on it, pulling Connor on top of him. Jude’s hands found their way into his boyfriend’s hair and tugged on it, making him moan into Jude’s mouth.

Jude started sucking on Connor’s lower lip, which almost made him forget what he came for. He gently pulled away and rolled onto Jude’s left side, causing him to whimper. Connor got up without saying a word, gathered his art stuff and sat back down on the bed. Jude was still lying and was giving Connor the deathstare but Connor was just softly smiling back at him.

Connor opened his sketch book and flipped through the pages until he found an empty one. “You just lay there, relax and stay still,” he instructed Jude.

Jude turned his head and glared at Connor. “What, you don’t even want me to get naked and put on a fancy necklace?” He questioned incredulously.

Connor snorted and shook his head. “You’re not Kate Winslet and unfortunately, I’m not Leonardo DiCaprio either. Now shut up and stay still, let the artist work his magic.”

Jude scoffed but turned his glance back at the ceiling. Connor grabbed a pencil but he hadn’t started drawing, not just yet. He’d been staring at Jude for a while, taking in and admiring every inch of his face. His scar below his ear, his upturned nose, his cheekbones, his messy hair. His pink full lips, the shape of his eyebrows, his fluttering eyelashes, those dark, glowing eyes.

Jude began blinking less frequently and his breathing was getting slower until he fell asleep, and that’s when Connor started sketching.

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Jude was woken up by the sound of the shutting front door, followed by his mom’s voice. “Jude, love, we’re home!”

His eyes flew open and he sat up. It was already dark and Connor was gone. He let out a sigh and reached for the switch on his lamp on the nightstand and turned it on. He rubbed his eyes and yawned, and he was about to head downstairs when he noticed a piece of paper laying on the bed. He picked it up and turned it around.

He gasped at the sight of Connor’s drawing of him. He stared at it for a long time, Connor had captured his features and figure perfectly, he’d given it depth with the shadows and the afternoon light streaming into the room.

The picture was black and white except for his nails, Connor colored them blue. Jude’s lips curled into a soft smile. He wasn’t wearing nail polish at the moment but it gave him a warm feeling in the pit of his stomach that Connor felt the need to color them in. It meant that he really did like that part of Jude as well, and that he didn’t want to change him.

Jude got up, walked to his desk and put the drawing in the bottom of the top drawer, then went downstairs.


	15. Chapter 15

“So, did you like my sketch?” Connor asked, looking down at Jude. They were curled up on the couch in Connor’s living room, watching Netlfix and cuddling. It was one of the rare occasions when they were at his house, his dad had gone on a business trip for the weekend. Jude couldn’t spend the whole weekend but they appreciated any amount of time they got to spend together and they always tried to make the best of it.

Jude tilted his head that was resting on Connor’s chest, and looked up at his boyfriend. “I did.” He gave a short answer, which surprised Connor.

“What, no snarky comments about it?” Connor asked half-serious, half-joking.

The smaller boy gave him a look. “You want me to be a smartass?”

Connor chuckled and leaned closer to Jude, their noses almost touched. “No, not neccessarily. I just wasn’t expecting you to actually like it, I guess,” he explained.

Jude frowned. “Umm, why? You’re really good, Connor,” he replied sincerely.

Connor’s heart did a flip. He closed the gap between them and pressed a light kiss on Jude’s lips. “Thanks,” he whispered. He wasn’t exactly the showing off type, so he didn’t show his art to a lot of people, especially not his dad. He learned a long time ago that it was pointless to talk about anything other than sports with Adam and he wasn’t going to lie, it hurt like hell when he was proud of something and his dad showed no interest whatsoever. Every child seeked their parents’ approval and Connor hated that, he hated that he was like that, too. He tried not to give a shit and just brush it off and it had worked for a while, or so he thought. He realized he just didn’t pay attention to those feelings and buried them deep inside, but later on, they burst to the surface and they just hurt even more.

“You’re welcome,” Jude smiled softly and gave Connor a peck, then nuzzled into his neck. Connor closed his eyes and let out a shaky breath. He’d wished the weekend would never end and that he could stay like that forever, with Jude by his side, frozen in time.

“What do you want to watch next?” Jude murmured.

Connor didn’t reply, his hand came up to caress Jude’s face, then he planted a kiss on his cheek. Jude opened his eyes and put his hand above Connor’s and brought them to his side while interlocking their fingers. He lifted his head from Connor’s shoulder and pressed light kisses on his lips, cheeks and jawline. He let his boyfriend’s hand go and put his hand under his shirt. Connor quickly pulled the shirt over his head and threw it on the floor. Jude started working his way down to Connor’s neck and collarbone, causing him to shiver. He traced Connor’s chest with his fingers as he left kisses all over the boy’s upper body, then slowly moved back up to his face, captivating his lips.

Their kiss was slow and deep, they didn’t have to rush this time. Jude cupped Connor’s face and licked his way into his mouth. While their tongues were fighting for dominance, Connor was playing with the hem of Jude’s shirt, then broke away, but only for a second when he pulled Jude’s shirt up and over his boyfriend’s head.

Connor went back to kissing Jude and gently laid him down on the couch. A small moan escaped from Jude’s mouth as the other boy’s fingers ran across the smooth skin of his stomach and made their way up to his ribs. Jude’s hands wandered down Connor’s back until they reached the waistband of his jeans and he slid his fingers under it.

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“So, see you tomorrow after practice?” Connor asked as they were walking down the stairs. Jude had to go home and Connor’s heart ached, he wanted him to stay the night so bad.

“Sure,” Jude smirked and leaned in to kiss his boyfriend goodbye but he was interrupted by the opening door. They jumped apart and Connor almost fell on his behind.

“Hi, son,” Adam greeted Connor with a questioning look on his face. Connor could feel his face heating up and his heart was pounding like crazy. Was he busted? This was it?

“Hi, dad,” he welcomed his father in a thin voice. Game over, he was so fucking busted.

“Who’s this?” Adam asked pointing at Jude, whose face was just as red as Connor’s.

“Umm, t-t-this is Jude, dad. Jude, this is my dad,” Connor introduced them. Jude awkwardly flashed a half-smile at Connor’s dad, but the man didn’t respond, his eyes were fixated on his stuttering son. “We were working on a project for school, he’s going home now,” Connor continued. He wasn’t religious but in that moment, he prayed to someone, anyone who was listening.

“Uh-huh.” That was all Adam said and he made his way to the living room.

Connor looked at his dad’s back as he was walking away, keeping his breath in. He felt Jude’s glare on him, but he didn’t move, he was frozen with shock.

Jude stood there silently for a minute, then without saying goodbye, he walked out the door.


	16. Chapter 16

“Hey, man,” Jordan greeted Connor with a half-smile on his face. Connor glanced at his best friend as he put his books in his locker. “What’s up with you?” Jordan continued.

Connor let out a breath. He wasn’t in the mood for whatever Jordan was up to but it would’ve been rude to tell his best friend to piss off. “Nothing,” he answered emotionlessly.

Jordan bit his lower lip. “It’s just that besides school, we haven’t hung out in two weeks, are you mad at me or something?” He sounded scared, like he thought he was going to lose his friend, and that made Connor feel even shittier than he already did.

“I’m sorry, I really am. I’ve been feeling a little low lately.” It was true to some extent, he’d been in a bad place for three days now, since his dad kind of walked in on Jude and him. He hadn’t talked to his boyfriend yet, he didn’t know what to say. Jude didn’t show after Connor’s baseball practice on Monday, so he expected Jude to call but he hadn’t, and that had been worrying Connor, he was terrified of losing him.

Jordan looked genuinely concerned. “Is it your dad again?” He asked in a low voice. Jordan knew how Adam could get and the pressure he was constantly putting his son under, but he also knew Connor wasn’t much of a talker when it came to his feelings, especially since his mother left.

Connor fixated his eyes on his feet. “Yeah, kinda.” He was tired of lying to Jordan but he didn’t want to lose him either, he wouldn’t have been able to take it, it would’ve destroyed him. No, it would’ve killed him.

Jordan reached out and patted him on the shoulder. “Whatever it is, he’s gonna cool down, he always does. On the bright side, you can let some steam off on Friday.” His eyes lit up as he was talking.

Connor furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. What was Jordy talking about? “What’s happening on Friday?”

Jordan looked at Connor incredulously. “Meaghan’s party? My girlfriend Meaghan? You’re coming, right?”

“I had no idea she’s having a party,” Connor replied sincerely. He’d been too busy with his double life so he hadn’t heard about this until now.

Jordan shook his head. “The whole school’s talking about it, dude. It’s going to be E-P-I-C,” he spelled out the last word and grinned at Connor.

Jordan’s dorkiness caused Connor to softly smile. Maybe this was what he needed. Maybe, he just needed a night out with his best friend where he could drink to forget everything that was going on in his miserable existence.

“Okay, okay, I’ll be there. But on one condition,” Connor said smirking. Jordan raised an eyebrow. What did Connor want again? “I’ll be there but only if there’s going to be alcohol,” he continued.

Jordan rolled his eyes and chuckled. “Of course there’s going to be alcohol. A lot,” he assured his friend, nodding.

“Awesome,” Connor beamed.

***

Connor was lying in bed, looking at the ceiling while fidgeting with his phone. He’d been contemplating whether to call Jude or not for at least half an hour, but he couldn’t seem to make up his mind. What would he even say? Oh, I’m sorry that my dad came home earlier and I lied to his face to save my ass? I’m sorry that I can’t be the guy you want? He didn’t think so.

His phone started buzzing and he winced. With his heart pounding in his chest, he glanced at the screen.

He was disappointed when he saw it wasn’t Jude, but his mother. He let out a sigh and picked it up.

“Hey, mom,” he said with fake enthusiasm. He was so not in the mood to deal with his mother, but when was he ever?

“Hi, Connor,” his mother greeted his son in a monotone voice. “How are you?”

“I’m fine,” he lied. “What’s up with you?”

“Not much, you know, same old, same old,” she paused for a second and let out a breath. “Phil got me into gardening, it’s kind of fun,” she chirped. Connor shut his eyes. She knew how much he hated it when she talked about her boyfriend, but that didn’t stop his mother to bring him up pretty much every week.

“You know I hate that,” he said in a low voice.

“Connor, I-

Connor cut her off. “You could’ve just told me you got into gardening without mentioning him.”

“You’ve had three years to get to know Phil but you didn’t even try, not once!” His mother was practically shouting. Connor could feel a lump forming in his throat, but he was too angry to cry, way too fucking angry.

“Yeah, and when did he try to get to know me? Please, mom, freshen up my memory!” Connor snapped. It took him all of his willpower not to throw his phone against the wall.

His mother stayed silent for a few seconds, then spoke up. “You’re not interested in my love life, I get it.” Connor bit down on his lip, stopping himself from screaming. Typical Sarah Stevens, changing the subject when things were getting uncomfortable for her. Connor got that from her and he truly hated it. “But I’m interested in yours. You never talk to me about girls, do you have a girlfriend?” Sarah tried to sound as caring as possible but Connor knew she only asked the question to avoid Connor’s.

Connor sucked the air in, then exhaled a few seconds later. He could try, couldn’t he? “That’s kind of a heteronormative question, isn’t it? I could be gay.” He couldn’t believe he just said that. Adrenaline flooded his veins as he was waiting for his mother to answer.

He didn’t know what exactly he was hoping for, but it certainly wasn’t this. His mother scoffed. “Please, Connor, don’t be disgusting,” she replied, her tone suggesting she really meant it. Connor felt an unbelievable sadness sweep over his entire body. So that was his mother’s opinion of him. In her eyes, people like him were disgusting. His stomach twisted at the thought and he could feel his eyes burning, he was unable to utter a word.

“Anyway, see you on Christmas, I’m cooking,” she sang, completely oblivious to her son’s painful silence.

Connor swallowed the lump. “Yeah,” he whispered. Now all he wanted was for the conversation to be over, he couldn’t bear the thought of listening to his mother’s voice anymore.

“Great! I have to go now, but I’ll call you soon. I love you, Connor.”

A teardrop rolled down Connor’s cheek. “Love you too, mom,” he breathed and hung up the phone.

***

Connor took a deep breath and headed towards Jude’s locker. He’d been building up his courage all day and lunch break seemed like the right time to talk to Jude. He was still crushed because of his phone call with his mother the day before and the only person who he wanted to be around was his boyfriend. If he still wanted to be his boyfriend. Connor pushed back his thoughts about the possibility of Jude breaking things off with him when he laid eyes on the boy. With each step he took, his heart started beating faster and faster as he watched Jude putting his books away; he looked so beautiful and he probably didn’t even know it.

“Hey,” Connor said in a thin voice. Jude froze for a second, then squeezed his eyes shut and sighed. He turned to face Connor, his painful expression making Connor’s stomach shift.

Connor gulped. “Can we talk? Please, Jude,” he begged. Jude sighed again and nodded. “We can go into my mom’s office,” Jude suggested.

Connor felt instantly relieved. “Thanks,” he replied, following the other boy into the vice principal’s office.

Jude closed the door after Connor stepped in and leaned back against it. Connor fought the urge to kiss him right there and then, it wouldn’t have been a good conversation starter.

Connor slid his hands into his pockets. “Why didn’t you call?” He asked quietly, gazing into his boyfriend’s eyes.

“You’re smart, you know why,” Jude answered in a low voice, maintaining eye contact.

Connor’s breath hitched, this was what he was afraid of. Suddenly, he felt dizzy and he was sure he was a minute away from passing out. He tried to gather himself, he couldn’t let everything fall apart in a blink of an eye. “S-so this is it? This is you breaking up with me?” His voice broke at the end.

Jude let his head fall into his hands and he talked through his fingers. “You know we couldn’t do this forever, whatever this was.”

Hearing Jude talk about them in past tense felt like he’d just got kicked in the stomach. “What do you mean by ‘whatever this was’? I thought we were in a relationship.” Connor blurted out.

Jude looked up, his eyes were so sad that Connor almost couldn’t handle it. “In a secret relationship, no one knew about us, Connor. It was great – no, it was amazing – while it lasted, but it was two lonely boy’s fantasy. It was a dream, a beautiful daydream, but we had to wake up. You understand that, right?” Jude’s voice cracked and his eyes filled up with tears but he quickly blinked them away.

Connor’s chest tightened and he started trembling, he couldn’t control his body from shaking. “But if I come out…” he pleaded. No, he couldn’t lose him.

He couldn’t lose him.

He couldn’t lose him, too.

Jude’s lips curled into a sad smile and his eyes were glowing from tears again. “Will you?” He whispered, his tone lacking hope.

Connor remembered his conversation with his mom, his father’s hateful words and spankings from his childhood and he got even more overwhelmed than he already was. His throat closed up and his mouth slightly fell open. He couldn’t answer the question.

Jude nodded and squeezed his eyes shut and let a few teardrops roll down his cheeks. He didn’t bother wiping them away, he just turned around and left the room.

And with that, he left Connor, too.


	17. Chapter 17

Connor was lying in bed and watching tv shows all day, well, all afternoon. It was Friday, the day after his break-up with Jude and he pretended to be sick so he didn’t have to go to school. His father wasn’t exactly happy about Connor not going but after taking a look at his son, he’d agreed that it was best for him to stay at home.

Yes, after half a day of crying, not sleeping and feeling sorry for himself, he looked like hell. He had dark circles under his eyes and he felt weak and dizzy from not eating since Thursday morning, but the truth was he wasn’t hungry, not even a little bit. Apart from water and the sleeping pill he took in the morning so he could get some sleep before the party, there wasn’t anything in his system.

After waking up at 3 p.m., he wasn’t feeling depressed and anxious anymore; he was just simply numb. He usually hated his numb phases but he was grateful for it that day, at least until the party, he could get through the day without wanting to crawl out of his own skin.

He was counting down the hours until Jordan picked him up and drove him to Meaghan’s. Jordan promised him he could spend the night there, so Connor’s plan was that he would go straight for the booze and wouldn’t stop until he was blind drunk and he passed out. The thought that he would have a chance to escape from his own head made everything almost bearable. Almost.

To much of his annoyance, his phone buzzed. He groaned and stopped the episode to see who texted him. It was his father, he wrote he was going to be late and Connor had to take care of dinner somehow. Connor didn’t bother texting him back, he couldn’t care less about food, which was probably not a good thing but then again, he didn’t give a shit.

He went back to his show and watched it until the last minute, he had about twenty minutes to get ready for the party but it was more than enough. He took a quick shower, threw on his signature plaid-jeans combination, did something with his hair and he was ready to go.

Jordan arrived when he said he would. During the car ride, Jordan was talking non-stop but Connor didn’t really pay attention. It was something about how awesome this party was going to be and how all the juniors and seniors were probably going to show up but it didn’t register in Connor’s brain, and he couldn’t even use the ‘oh, I was thinking about something else’ excuse because his mind was completely blank at that point.

Jordan parked his car in Meaghan’s driveway, apparently she was saving that place for him. The house was already packed, the music was so loud that Connor almost didn’t hear it when Jordan told him where the kitchen was and that he was going to find his girlfriend and they should meet up later. Connor nodded and made his way to the kitchen, which was filled with a bunch of different bottles of alcohol, and a keg, of course. He thought he would start out with a few beers, then move on to liquor.

In just 20 minutes, he’d drunk five beers and he was ready for some vodka shots when Jordan joined him in the kitchen.

“Look who it is! Were you guys…? You know?” Connor smirked. He felt much better due to being tipsy.

Jordan raised an eyebrow. “Dude, I wasn’t gone for that long, give me some credit, please,” he replied, which made Connor giggle. He was certainly enjoying the state he was in at that moment but he wasn’t nearly as messed up as he would’ve liked to be.

“Okay, okay. Take a shot with me?” Connor asked as he held up two shot glasses in front of him.

“Hell yeah!” Jordan exclaimed and took both glasses out of his friend’s hand and poured vodka in them. Connor drank up, the burning felt so good that he instantly poured himself another one.

“Not that I’m against you drinking yourself under the table, but have you even checked out the party? Everyone is here, it’s totally crazy,” Jordan stated between two shots.

Connor shook his head. “Nah, man, I’m good.” Although he was kind of drunk, that didn’t change the fact that he didn’t want to interact with anyone besides Jordan. He wasn’t even sure he wanted to talk to him but the next day, he’d probably feel bad about telling him to fuck off.

Jordan tilted his head and narrowed his eyes. “Oh, come on, ten minutes won’t kill you,” he insisted.

Yeah, I guess, he thought. He nodded and followed Jordan into the noisy living room where pretty much everyone was either dancing or making out with each other. Connor’s stomach turned and he was fairly certain that it wasn’t because of the alcohol, but the overwhelming amount of PDA shown by his peers.

He would’ve sworn to god that the whole baseball team was there, each of them groping a girl, including Kevin. It looked like he’d moved on and he wasn’t brooding over Taylor anymore, it was quite the opposite. And just as he thought about Taylor, he spotted her in a corner, with a red cup in her hand, talking to a group of people. He wasn’t sober, there was a dim light in the room and he was showing his back to Connor but he would’ve recognized him anywhere.

Connor’s breath hitched and sadness swept through his entire body. He suddenly felt dizzy again, he had to lean against the wall and close his eyes to stop the world from spinning. He was here.

Jude was here.

He was here and he probably didn’t give a shit about him.

“Connor? Dude?” Jordan’s voice sounded distant despite the fact that he was standing next to him. “Connor, is everything alright?” Jordan asked warily.

Connor narrowly opened his eyes. Jude was still there and he was laughing about something his friend Aaron said.

“I-I gotta get out of here, I need a drink,” he replied shakily and pushed himself away from the wall.

“What? Connor?” Jordan called after him but he pretended not to hear it. He found his way back to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of whiskey that was half full and started chugging.

It didn’t take too long until he was completely wasted. He couldn’t even remember how he got there, but he found himself in one of the bedrooms, sitting on the floor with his back against the bed, holding onto the bottle and occasionally taking a big gulp.

His thoughts were tangled and messy, but his mind kept going back to the face that caused him so much joy, but so much pain at the same time. He thought about all the times when they held hands, cuddled, and kissed, and how nothing could ever compare to that feeling. But he also thought about those moments when they had to hide from everybody else at school, how they had to sneak around their friends and family and it felt so unfair at that moment. The whole thing just felt so fucking unfair. Why did it have to be so hard? Why couldn’t they act like ‘normal’ couples? Why did his father have to be a homophobic asshole who would surely kick him out if he ever found out about him being gay? Why did being gay have to be such a big deal? Why did coming out have to be such a big fucking deal? Why did they have to even come out? Straight people didn’t have to come out.

“It’s not fair, not fucking fair,” he whispered to himself and took a sip from the whiskey. He clumsily reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone to see what time it was. When he saw he had seven missed calls from his father and a voice mail, he sighed and tapped the screen to listen to it.

Adam rambled about why the hell he wasn’t at home and that if he didn’t pick up his phone, he’d be grounded for a month, blah blah blah. It was pretty standard mad parent stuff until his father paused for a moment, then said something about how Connor better wasn’t with that boy and hung up.

Connor stared at the device for a good minute, with his mouth hanging open. He was pretty sure even if he’d been sober, it wouldn’t have been easier to process what his father just said. He knew. His dad knew. And he hated Connor.

Connor furrowed his eyebrows and looked at his phone in anger, but the feeling quickly subsided, sadness and devastation took over instead. His eyes filled with tears and suddenly all he could think about was that he didn’t want to do this anymore. Everything was shit, it had always been shit and he wanted it to stop.

He threw his phone away as hard as he could and broke down sobbing. He didn’t hear that someone had just stepped into the room.

“Woah, careful!” Jordan exclaimed when the flying object almost hit him in the stomach. When he laid eyes on the mess that Connor was, he immediately rushed to him and kneeled down in front of his friend. “Hey, what’s wrong?” He asked, his voice was filled with worry.

Connor’s tears didn’t stop falling and he didn’t look up, he was too drunk and embarrassed to face Jordan. He buried his face in his hands and quietly kept crying. His whole body ached, he couldn’t stop the pain, he just wanted to get out, he wanted everything to be over once and for all.

“Bro, you’re scaring me,” Jordan said in a thin voice and placed his hand on Connor’s back and gently started stroking it.

He mumbled something Jordan couldn’t understand. “What was that?”

Connor slowly lifted his head, his eyes were red and puffy from crying but he still couldn’t seem to stop. “I d-d-don’t w-wanna do this a-anymore,” he sniveled.

Jordan looked at his friend incredulously. “What are you talking about?” He questioned with creased eyebrows.

Connor squeezed his eyes shut, and with trembling lips, he breathed, “I just want to die.” Jordan froze. His stomach twisted and he wished he had never heard those words, especially not from Connor, his best friend since the first grade.

“Don’t say that,” Jordan blurted. Connor whimpered, grabbed Jordan’s arm and started sobbing again.

He heard Jordan taking a deep, shaky breath. “You need help, Connor,” he said and put his other hand on Connor’s shoulder.

Connor didn’t respond, so Jordan shook him a little. “Did you hear me? You need help and you’re gonna get it. I’ll call my mom first thing tomorrow. Wait, no, let me correct myself, I’ll call her after I punch Lover Boy in the face.”

It was Connor’s turn to freeze. “Wh-what?” He stuttered and wiped his face. He was too scared to look his friend in the eye, so he fixated his eyes on the carpet.

Jordan scoffed. “Do you think I’m stupid? I know about you and Jude.”

Oh shit. Connor’s eyes shot up. “But how-?”

Jordan chuckled softly. “You ain’t that slick, bro.”

Connor could feel his face heat up. Jordan didn’t seem to be disgusted by him but he had to ask anyway. “You don’t hate me?” He slurred.

Jordan’s face softened. “Of course I don’t hate you, you’re practically my brother. And brothers always have each other’s backs.”

Connor felt like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulder. Jordan didn’t hate him. Not just that he didn’t hate him, it seemed like he accepted him for who he was.

“You look like hell, let’s get you home, what do you say?” Jordan asked as he stood up and offered a hand to Connor.

Connor nodded and took Jordan’s hand. The world started spinning and he felt nauseous, so he threw his arm over his friend’s shoulder for support. The boys stumbled down the stairs, and slowly but steadily, they made it out of the house and into Jordan’s car.

***

Half an hour and one puke-stop later, the boys were standing on Connor’s doorstep. Connor was half asleep, and Jordan’s third attempt at taking Connor’s keys out of the pocket of his jeans proved to be successful. Jordan tried to be as quiet as possible sneaking his friend into his room, but as soon as they set foot in the house, the lights turned on. Adam Stevens stood in front of the living room with folded arms and an expression that even made Jordan feel small.

“’Evening, Mr. Stevens,” Jordan greeted the man awkwardly. Connor seemed more conscious now, he put his head on Jordan’s shoulder and murmured something neither of them could understand. “He’s just tired, I better take him upstairs,” he continued and started drawing Connor along but Adam made him stop.

“Don’t. I want him to explain why the hell he didn’t go to school if he could go to a party and get pissed drunk.” It was pretty obvious that Adam was angry with his son, and possibly with him too, so Jordan thought it was better not to argue with him. “Connor, did you hear me?” Adam raised his voice.

Connor’s head shot up and looked at his father with glazed eyes. “Hmm?”

“Why didn’t you go to school?” Adam made sure to articulate every word perfectly. “You faked being sick?”

Connor groaned. “Yeah, I, I did that.”

Adam scoffed. “At least you’re admitting it. Were you with someone?” He pushed.

Connor frowned. “No?” It sounded more like a question than a statement.

“Don’t lie to me, son.” Connor’s father warned him. For some reason, that made Connor sober up a little. He stumbled back and almost fell, but Jordan caught his arm just in time and pulled him back. He had an irritated expression on his face.

“I’m not lying, stop accusing me with things I didn’t do and things you don’t know shit about,” he was close to shouting.

“Okay, I think I’m gonna go now!” Jordan exclaimed and tried to leave but Connor held onto his arm.

“No, don’t go. I want you to hear how shitty Adam Stevens is as a father,” Connor continued as he took a few steps forward.

“Connor,” his father’s voice was ominous.

“No, that’s the truth! You’re a horrible dad, you’ve always been, even when mom was still here. You never paid attention to me, you never played with me. You only taught me how to play baseball because you’d seen I wasn’t bad at it when I played that one time in elementary school. You had an interest in it, that’s why you did it. You don’t give a shit about me, you only care about what I can offer you.”

“Stop it right now,” Adam hissed.

Connor ignored him. “You just go to work, then sit around all day on the couch, watching sports. Sport is the only thing you love in this life. That and your fucking couch.” He spat.

Adam’s face was bright red from anger and he clenched his fists. “I sacrificed a lot for you on that fucking couch, you ungrateful little shit,” he yelled.

Connor laughed humorlessly. “Well, guess what, daddy, I fucked my boyfriend on your precious couch,” Connor yelled back.

Jordan, who was standing there silently, watching father and son jumping at each other’s throats, let out a small squeak. Connor went too far.

“What the fuck did you just say?” Adam cried furiously, and began walking towards his son, who refused to move even an inch. They might as well get it over with now.

But Jordan knew better; he tugged on Connor’s shirtsleeve and pulled him in the direction of the front door.

“No, Jordan, stop,” Connor protested and tried to push him away but Jordan didn’t care. He wasn’t just going to stand there while his best friend was getting his ass whooped.

“That’s right, get the fuck out of my house! And I don’t want to see you coming back here!” The man shouted after the boys although they were almost at Jordan’s car.

Jordan mumbled an ‘asshole’ under his breath and tried to sit Connor in the car who was still fighting back and yelling profanities at his father.

When Connor was finally sitting in the passenger seat, Jordan closed the door and leaned back for a second, then walked to the opposite side of the car and drove them home.


	18. Chapter 18

“What are you doing?” Connor asked frowning, glancing up at Jude. His boyfriend was standing above him, holding an ancient looking camera in front of his face. In response to Connor’s question, he clicked a button and a small piece of paper came out from the bottom of the camera. Jude took it and looked at it fondly, and Connor couldn’t help but stare at him in complete awe; how his hair, that was messier than ever (he proudly took credit for that), fell into his face, how his dark eyes lit up and the corner of his mouth curled up when he looked at the photo he’d taken.

“Look at your confused face, it’s adorable,” Jude said and handed the picture to his boyfriend. Connor stared at the polaroid with the same puzzled expression, which made Jude giggle, so he snapped another one.

“Hey, stop,” Connor pretended to be mad but he sit up and grabbed Jude by the waist and tackled him.

Jude landed on the bed with a dull thud and Connor on top of him. “Hey!” Jude exclaimed, holding onto his camera. Connor just laughed and sit on Jude’s stomach and took it out of his hand. He observed it for a while, then spoke up, “This is hands down the most hipster thing you own. And I’ve seen your wardrobe.”

Jude looked at him with the sassiest face he could pull. “Shut up and give it back,” he reached for the camera but Connor held it up above his head where Jude couldn’t get to it.

“I’d rather not,” Connor smirked. “Say ‘cheese’!” Jude rolled his eyes but flashed a smile at his boyfriend and Connor snapped a photo.

“Show it to me,” Jude said eagerly but Connor ignored him. He thought it came out quite good but he missed that spark from Jude’s eyes.

Luckily, he had an idea how to achieve what he wanted. He carefully put the camera down next to Jude’s head, then put his hand on Jude’s chest and leaned down to kiss him. It was just a peck at first, but then Jude lifted himself up to his elbows, and passionately pressed their lips together. Connor’s hands found their way into Jude’s hair as he parted his lips and slipped his tongue in the boy’s mouth.

Connor didn’t know how long they’d been making out until he pulled away to catch his breath. Jude’s lips were red and he looked at him exactly the way he hoped for.

Like he was in love.

Connor’s stomach shifted and he opened his mouth to say something, but the words wouldn’t want to come out, he was too scared. He quickly picked up the polaroid camera instead and took another picture of Jude, which earned him a look of disapproval by the other boy. A warm feeling swept through Connor’s entire body as he stared at photo of Jude. It was a bit blurry but Connor couldn’t care less, to him, it was the perfect shot of the perfect boy.

He caught Jude’s curious glance from the corner of his eyes, so he showed him the picture. Jude studied it for a little bit, then softly said, “You can keep it. If you want.”

A cheeky grin spread across Connor’s face. “You can bet your ass I’m keeping it, Foster.”

“Adams Foster,” Jude corrected as he gathered the photos and grabbed the camera and put them on his night drawer. He couldn’t move too much with Connor stranding him but he didn’t mind having him on top of him.

Connor snorted. “Your name is way too long, Jude Adams Foster,” he mocked. “Now c’mere,” and he lowered his head and kissed Jude again. The kiss was slow and sweet at first but something changed when Connor bit Jude’s lower lip and started sucking on it, making Jude let out a low groan and tug on Connor’s hair. Connor smiled at his boyfriend’s reaction, then slid his fingers under Jude’s T-Shirt and put his hands on his bare chest, above his racing heart.

Connor’s eyes flew open at the memory that appeared in his dream so vividly. He was lying in a puddle of his own saliva and he had a pounding headache. He slightly lifted himself from the bed and looked around in the dark room; it wasn’t his room, it was Jordan’s. He rubbed his eyes while trying to remember what the hell happened the night before but like most of the time after drinking, his mind was blank.

“’Morning!” Jordan exclaimed all of a sudden as he pulled the curtains back, making Connor almost fall off the bed. The daylight poured into the room and Connor had to cover his eyes.

“The fuck,” Connor groaned and sat up. Jordan was standing in front of him in last night’s outfit. He looked worn out, he had dark circles under his eyes and his hair was messy, which was unusual for him. “I feel like death,” Connor said in a raspy morning voice and started massaging his temple.

“The good news is you’re not dead but you’re gonna wish you were, dude,” Jordan replied and awkwardly slid his hands in his pockets.

Oh, shit. Now it wasn’t just his head that was violently pounding. “How did I get here? And why am I here?” Connor asked apprehensively.

Jordan let out a sigh. “I thought you wouldn’t remember,” Jordan’s face was unreadable and that made Connor even more nervous. What the hell could’ve gone down in one night? “What’s your last memory?”

Connor furrowed his brows, he had to think long and hard about it. “Doing vodka shots with you in the kitchen. After that, nothing,” he replied honestly.

“Shit,” Jordan blurted and ran his fingers through his hair. “Okay, it’s a good thing you’re sitting. After the vodka shots, we went into the living room…,” Connor had a lump in his throat the whole time he was listening to his best friend telling him what happened that night. How he freaked out after seeing Jude, the drinking, the crying, his complete breakdown, everything. When Jordan got to the part where Connor was fighting with his dad, he stopped.

“What, Jordy? What happened?” Connor asked in a muffled voice, fearing the worst.

Jordan looked down at his feet. “You said some pretty harsh things, both of you did. There was a lot of shouting and,” he stopped for a moment and took a deep breath, “and you basically told him you were gay,” Jordan breathed.

Connor’s stomach twisted and he suddenly felt dizzy. His worst fear had come true. “What did he say?” He asked anxiously.

Jordan squeezed his eyes shut. “He kicked you out.” It pained him to say those words to his best friend.

Connor let out a whimper, then lay back down on the bed and curled into a ball.

He told him and he kicked him out.

His dad kicked him out.

He wanted to cry but his body was so dehydrated he couldn’t, so instead he was just lying there, shaking.

“Hey,” he felt Jordan’s touch on his arm. “If it makes you feel any better, I think your delivery was the problem.”

Connor turned his head and glared at Jordan. “What do you mean?” He questioned weakly.

Jordan grimaced. “Should I even tell you this? I probably should. You told him, - and I’m quoting you here -, ‘I fucked my boyfriend on your precious couch’.”

Connor’s eyes widened in horror. “Please tell me you’re joking. I mean, I’ll totally kick your ass but tell me that wasn’t actually what I said.”

“I’m sorry, bro,” Jordan replied apologetically.

Connor took the pillow from underneath his head and buried his face in it. He wanted to scream but he figured that would probably make his headache worse.

“My parents won’t be back for a few days and my mom said you can hang here until then, but…what are you gonna do?” Jordan asked delicately.

In response, Connor grunted, then lowered the pillow. “I need to talk to Jude and my dad. If they want to talk to me, and that’s a big if, Jordy.”

Jordan heaved a sigh of relief and a small smile crept on his face. “I was hoping you would say that.”

Connor frowned. “Why?”

“’Cause I might have called Jude and he might arrive in ten minutes,” he replied, smirking.

Connor’s breath hitched and he sat up straight. “What?! How and why would you do that?” He shrieked.

“I borrowed your phone, what’s the big deal?” Jordan asked in confusion.

“What’s-…what’s the big deal?! When I said I wanted to talk to him I didn’t mean it like right now! Besides, what’s the point in talking to Jude before my father?!” Connor burst out. He couldn’t believe Jordan would do something so stupid.

Jordan’s face turned red. “I just thought you wanted to get him back. I’m sorry, Connor.” He was genuinely sorry. He might have not understood what Connor saw in that guy but he figured he was an important person to his friend.

“Just call him back and tell him something came up,” Connor said as he stood up and looked around searching for his shoes. He found them by the door and he started putting them on.

“But he will hate you if you cancel on him now,” Jordan stated as he made his way to the door. He leaned against the frame while Connor was busy tying his shoelaces.

“He kind of already does, it won’t make that much of a difference,” Connor replied when he finished with his shoes. He placed his hands on his friends shoulder and firmly looked into his eyes when he said, “I have to go home and fix this shit with my dad, Jordy.”

“What are you even going to say, man?”

“I don’t know, I guess I’ll just go with the flow,” Connor answered. He didn’t have a plan, he just wanted to have a one on one, man to man conversation with his father for once. No bullshit, just the truth.

Jordan nodded but he looked worried. “If something goes wrong, just come back here and we’ll figure out the rest.” Connor smiled softly. If everything else failed, he could always count on his best friend. “But don’t think I forgot about what I said last night. My mom said it would be ‘unethical’ for her to treat you since she’s known you for like ten years but she promised she would find you a great therapist,” Jordan continued.

“Thanks,” Connor whispered. He didn’t want to tell Jordan that there was no way he would go see a shrink. Maybe some other time. “I need to borrow your car, though.”

“Sure, go,” and Jordan gave him his keys.

“Thanks again, for everything,” Connor said, then rushed outside and hopped into Jordan’s car.

He was driving fast, he needed to see his dad as soon as possible. His thoughts were too loud, though, so he turned on the radio. A woman with a quite pleasant voice was singing and Connor tapped along. He didn’t pay attention to the lyrics until he had to stop at a red light.

This is my fight song

Take back my life song

Prove I’m alright song

My power’s turned on

Starting right now I’ll be strong

He knew it was silly but he felt really empowered by that. He was going to fight like hell to take his life back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: Fight Song by Rachel Platten


	19. Chapter 19

With trembling hands, Connor turned the key and stepped inside his house. The blinds were still down, which was odd considering it was almost noon.

Connor swallowed hard before he called out, “Dad?” His voice was still a bit husky.

When he didn’t receive an answer, he repeated his question. A sigh came from the kitchen, followed by a clink. Connor clenched and unclenched his fists and took a deep breath before making his way there. He felt like he was heading straight into a lion’s den.

He found his father sitting by the kitchen table with an empty glass and a bottle of whiskey that was only half full. Fuck. Adam usually never drank liquor, only beer. This was bad, really fucking bad.

“Dad?” Connor asked again in a thin voice.

Not even looking up, Adam said, “Just go to your room.”

Utterly confused, Connor furrowed his eyebrows. “Wha-,“ He began but he was cut off by his father.

“Go to your room,” Adam repeated and poured himself another glass of alcohol.

Connor had no idea what was going on. His coming out would have explained his father’s drinking but Jordan had told him he kicked him out, so this whole ‘go to your room’ thing just wasn’t making any sense. “Dad, we need to talk,” Connor said quietly yet firmly.

Still not looking at his son, Adam waved him off and took a big gulp of his drink.

“I said we need to talk,” Connor raised his voice. Whatever this shit was that his dad was pulling, he’d had enough of it.

Hearing the anger in Connor’s voice finally made Adam look up. Just like Jordan, he also had dark circles under his eyes and he seemed exhausted. “About what? About you being gay? Or about your suicidal tendencies?”

Connor’s breath hitched. He could feel his heart pounding violently against his chest and his palms getting sweaty. He had no idea how his dad knew about that, he wasn’t supposed to find out, ever.

He was desperately trying to come up with a lie but his dad continued. “I had to find out about your breakdown from Jordan’s mom this morning. ’Hey, Adam, newsflash: your son wants to kill himself.’” Adam scoffed and shook his head. “I don’t think I’ve ever felt more humiliated in my entire life.”

Connor bit down on his lip so he wouldn’t start screaming. “Again, everything is about you. It’s about how it affects you,” Connor spat. His dad just fucking had to make everything about himself, but what had he expected?

Adam smashed his fist down on the table, which caused Connor to wince. He watched his dad slowly elevating from the chair and taking a few steps ahead. Now they were standing face to face, intensely staring at one another. “You’re damn right it’s about me!” Adam barked. “I’m the one who’s failed as a parent here! Me! ME, ME, ME!” His dad was yelling and violently poking at his chest. Connor would’ve sworn he could see his dad’s eyes glowing in the poorly lit house.

Connor had never seen his dad behave like this before and it frightened him. He wasn’t scared because Adam was being aggressive, that was just a part of his personality at this point. No, this was because it seemed like his dad genuinely cared. Like he actually gave a shit about him. Adam never showed any sign of weakness, not until now, and Connor had no clue how to handle seeing him like that.

“Dad…,” Connor began but he couldn’t finish the sentence. He didn’t want to lie but he didn’t want to tell the truth either. While it wasn’t entirely his dad’s fault that he was the way he was, he had played a part in it. A big part.

“I’ve always known, you know. I noticed how you looked at boys, the way you were supposed to look at girls,” Adam said, his voice breaking. “I’ve always known you were gay and I haven’t done anything about it. I’ve done nothing and now you’re depressed.”

“You couldn’t have done anything about it, it’s just the way I am,” Connor replied hanging his head, not looking at Adam because seeing him tearing up made him uncomfortable and guilty.

Adam folded his arms in front of his chest. “No, you wouldn’t be depressed about being gay if I got you some kind of help.” His voice was heavy with regret.

Connor’s head shot up. “I’m not depressed because I’m gay, dad. I’m depressed because I had to keep it a secret. It had been slowly eating me alive and no one would have fucking noticed it and I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone,” he said sharply.

“Last night it seemed like Jordan knew,” Adam retorted.

Connor scoffed and threw his hands in the air, “You did too, you literally just admitted it!” He burst. “And yes, Jordan figured it out. I guess it’s not that hard if you actually spend some time with me.”

Completely ignoring Connor’s outburst, Adam mumbled, “I should’ve gotten you help.”

“YOU SHOULD HAVE HELPED ME!” Connor cried out, stressing the word ‘you’, making Adam jump. Unable to stop his tears from falling, Connor continued yelling, “You are my dad, you should have helped me, you should have been there for me! You should have made sure that I was okay and comfortable with myself but I never was, not until I met Jude! He jumped into a relationship with me even though he knew we couldn’t go public. Despite all the shit that had happened to him before, despite he’d sworn he would never do it again, he did it anyway and I hated myself for it. I hated myself because he’s actually the most amazing person ever and I knew I was hurting him in a way. I still hate myself for it and I don’t blame him for breaking up with me. I don’t deserve him, I never did.” At that point Connor’s face was soaking wet and he was panting. He wasn’t sure why he just told his father all about that but he felt like he was going to explode if he couldn’t get it off his chest.

Adam’s expression was a mixture of shock and pain. His own son going off on him twice in less than 24 hours started to make him feel like he was the worst parent on the planet. “I’m sorry.” That was all he could say because the ugly truth was he didn’t know how to comfort Connor and that was the reason why they were in this awful situation at the moment.

Adam took a shaky breath, “I don’t know how to make this better, Connor, I really don’t. I didn’t mean to kick you out last night, I’m so fucking sorry, please forgive me.” Now he wasn’t even trying to hide the fact that he was crying too. “Just…just tell me what to do and I will try my best, I promise. I don’t want you to do to something stupid.” Something stupid like killing yourself, Adam thought. He couldn’t say those words out loud but Connor was able to read between the lines and it made his stomach shift.

“I just need you to be there for me and actually listen to me, dad,” Connor sniffed.

Adam silently nodded as he wiped his tears away. “Okay, okay,” he replied in a muffled voice. “So, uh, this Jude kid, do you really like him that much?”

Although he was still crying a little, Connor softly chuckled. “This would be much easier if I just liked him, dad.”

Adam’s eyes widened and he’d hesitated for a second before he just nodded again. “Listen, I’m gonna be honest, I need time to adjust but I will try. If he means that much to you, you shouldn’t give up. Go and get him back, I won’t stop you.”

“Funny, that’s what Jordan said. Without the adjusting part. He seems to be completely down with me being gay,” Connor said in a slightly lighter tone.

“I could tell last night.”

“About last night – I’m sorry, too. I was wasted and I acted like an asshole,” Connor said apologetically. Although he couldn’t remember, he felt shitty about the way he came out to his dad, it was probably the worst coming out of all time.

“Apology accepted but you’re grounded for two weeks,” Adam replied sternly.

“Yeah, that’s fair,” Connor grimaced. “When does it start, though? I kinda have to take Jordan’s car back to him.”

“And you will take it back and come straight home, got it?” Adam asked.

“Got it,” Connor answered, then turned around and started making his way to the front door.

When he was just a few steps away, he suddenly stopped. He could have sworn he heard voices coming from outside, so he listened.

“No, I can’t hear anything. I think we should go in,” he heard the familiar voice. Jordan.

“This is stupid, let’s just go before they discover the idiot and his sidekick,” said someone else sharply. Connor’s heart did a flip. It was Jude.

“Oh, and I’m the idiot, right?” Judging by his tone, Jordan was clearly irritated.

“You said it,” Jude replied sassily. Connor snorted. Jude’s attitude was back, and he managed to torture Jordan with it.

“What was that?” Jude asked warily.

Without waiting for Jordan’s response, Connor walked to the door and swung it open, causing his best friend and ex-boyfriend to fall on the wooden floor with a dull thud. Both boys had their ears pressed to the door so when Connor decided to open it, they lost their balance.

“Ouch!” Jordan cried out as he turned to his back and grabbed his elbow. Jude just groaned and murmured a ‘fuck’ under his breath.

Connor just shook his head at the sight. “What the hell are you two doing?” He asked incredulously.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter, enjoy. :)

13 minutes. It had been 13 minutes since they were sitting in Connor’s truck outside of his house. 13 minutes of complete silence and awkwardly staring at everything but each other.

Without a doubt, it was the longest 13 minutes of Connor Stevens’ life. And he truly despised every second, every millisecond of it. However, he couldn’t muster up the courage to say something, he wasn’t sure he could trust his mouth to say the right words and the last thing he wanted was to fuck up his chance to get back together with Jude.

So he was just sitting there, with folded arms, doing nothing besides breathing in the car’s familiar smell and being utterly pathetic.

“Jordan needs a pair of shoes,” Jude’s voice rang out suddenly. Connor glanced at the boy who was looking out the window. His face was unreadable.

Out of all things, this is what was on Jude’s mind? Jude Adams Foster was a strange creature and he never ceased to surprise Connor.

“I mean, he can’t really drive home barefoot. That would be uncomfortable as shit. Maybe your dad could take him after they’re finished watching that game.” Jude continued to stare out the window. Connor wasn’t even sure if the other boy was talking to himself, Connor, or just no one in particular.

Connor wondered what he should say. Should he comment on what Jude was babbling about or should he go off topic?

Well, he didn’t have a chance to figure it out because Jude kept talking, and essentially deciding it for him. “Please say something,” Jude’s voice was thin compared to how he usually sounded like.

“I think Jor-,” Connor began but he was quickly cut off by Jude.

“Not about Jordan’s fucking shoe situation,” Jude said sharply, still avoiding eye contact with Connor.

Connor took a deep breath. “I don’t know what to say. I thought I did but I…,” he stopped to shake his head, “I have no idea where to even begin.”

“You could start with why the fuck you didn’t tell me about your depression. You seemed perfectly fucking happy when we were together,” the anger was evident in his voice. Jude didn’t mean to say it like that, he definitely didn’t mean to curse so much but he couldn’t seem to control himself. His heart ached every time he thought about the fact that Connor felt like he didn’t want to live, and he wanted to cry every time he looked at him because he couldn’t stop imaging Connor sitting on the floor in some stranger’s bedroom, wasted and broken. Then he got mad at himself for not noticing the signs despite being a couple for more than 3 months.

Connor fixated his eyes on his hands that were lying in his lap. “I was happy. Well, I thought I was.” Connor promised himself that no more bullshit and he was going to keep his promise. “When I was with you, it was like I was a completely different person, I acted like I was living in this perfect fucking world where no one and nothing could touch me. I had a giant pink filter in front of my eyes, filtering everything out that didn’t belong in that perfect world. But sometimes I would go home, just take a look at my dad and feel all those things that have been eating at me weighing down on me again. Then I would go up to my room and just lie in my bed for several hours, trying to push every negative thought out of my head, and it sometimes worked, it really did, but other times I simply broke down crying and I kept wishing and praying that I was dead.”

Jude winced at the last sentence. “But why didn’t you tell me?” He whispered.

“I thought I couldn’t. I never tell anyone anything ‘cause I don’t want people to see what’s underneath, to see how fucked up I am. I thought if I told you that I had problems, you wouldn’t want me anymore,” Connor said, feeling the tears pricking his eyes.

“That’s bullshit and you know it.”

“No, I don’t, that’s part of the problem. I convinced myself that I didn’t deserve you and that you didn’t want to be with me. I felt so guilty for making you sneak around again. I still feel guilty about doing that to you and I want you to know how fucking sorry I am.” Connor’s voice cracked and he was unable to stop himself from crying. He felt so messed up for believing that Jude didn’t care for him, even after they had sex for the first time. Then he thought Jude loved him but that thought faded away shortly after.

To his surprise, he felt a hand underneath his chin, then Jude gently turned Connor’s head so he could face him. Connor’s heart did a flip in his chest. It hadn’t been that long since he stared into those eyes this close but it felt like a lifetime.

“I want you to listen to me,” Jude said slowly yet firmly and he moved his hand from Connor’s chin to rest it on the boy’s thigh. Connor sniffed and nodded.

“No one forced me into a relationship with you. You kissed me first, that’s true but I was the one who initiated a relationship, so that’s on me, only me. You shouldn’t feel guilty about being with me, ever. And Blake meant nothing to me compared to you.” Connor’s tears started falling harder and harder. He knew what Jude said was true, yet his brain still refused to believe it.

“But you went mute for a month because of him,” Connor argued, trying to justify what he was thinking.

Jude pursed his lips, then said, “True. But luckily one day I came to my senses and said ‘Fuck him. Fuck his stupid family. In fact, fuck all the homophobic dumbasses out there.’. And moderately sassy Jude became sassy Jude, later a full-blown asshole. And then…,” his gaze softened and his lips curled into a small smile, “he met someone who made him less of a jerk. He’s gonna be forever grateful for that.”

“But?” Connor breathed. He thought this couldn’t be it.

“There’s no ‘but’. There’s an ‘and’, though.”

Connor’s heart started to pick up pace. “And what?” He asked, his voice shaking.

Jude reached for Connor’s hand and interlocked their fingers, then with ease and confidence, he replied, “And he loves you.”

Connor could have sworn his heart stopped beating for a second. He wasn’t crying anymore, but he was just staring at Jude with wide eyes, not believing what he had just heard.

Seeing how shocked and frozen Connor was, Jude repeated, “I love you, Connor.”

Connor’s body reacted before his brain could comprehend what was happening. Just like the first time in the locker room, he grabbed Jude’s face and gave him a sloppy, passionate kiss, then without ever letting go, he whispered, “I love you too.”

Jude’s smile nearly broke his face. He placed his hands on Connor’s wrist and held onto them while lightly kissing the boy’s nose, then pecking his lips.

“We’ll be OK, then?” Connor whispered breathlessly between two kisses.

Jude chuckled softly at the silly question. “Yes, Connor Stevens, we’ll be OK.”

We’ll be OK.

We’ll be OK.

I’ll be OK.

Connor kept replaying the words in his head, thinking he would be able to believe them one day.

 

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for reading, I hope you liked the ending. :)
> 
> Mom, if you're reading this, I'm not straight, and I'm sorry for not being able to tell you.


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